luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
I've had several messages from concerned people wondering what happened to me and given the last few entries on my DW, that's.... valid, probably.

I'm not dead or anything. I'm tumblr user donotchoosesidesyet. I'm in a slew of completely difference fandoms. I'm writing a frankly ridiculous amount of fic for my current fandom. I've got a (shitty low paying) job. I'm still struggling with depression on a day by day process and haven't been on any new medication since the sertraline incident. Daily mundane struggles. But I'm alive and fairly well, so if you worried about that, I apologize.

/brisk wave
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
All right hallo hallo

First off, please forgive me for not being as prompt with my replies as I should be. Since the sertraline incident of 2013 (as I am now going to call it), my wiring has been off. I'm very, very weary and having trouble keeping awake/alert. I also haven't been hungry since it happened which... is weird. Yeah. Dunno what's going on there. But the advice and support has been sorely needed, especially yesterday. Yesterday was rough.

Fuck sertraline, basically.

So I went to my doctor to explain everything that happened. He's passing me off to a therapist now because he's literally afraid to prescribe me anything else in case he accidentally kills me. Which is fair, but frustrating. It's going to take a while for me to get to a specialist. But hopefully the ball will get rolling soon.

I still feel like I'm recovering. Sleeping is difficult in the wake of what happened. Gradually getting better, though.

I'll try to reply to some of y'all tomorrow if I feel up to it. I'm sorry for the delay.

Later, gaters.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Dear diary,

Last night I took my anti-depressants for the first time and felt SUPER HAPPY AMAZING until about 3AM when I almost died and had to go to the emergency room.

I won't go into the details but the moral of the story is that I have a severe reaction to sertraline.

luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
I have no idea who's even out there anymore? Hello? Is this microphone live?


I am still hellaciously depressed and not handling things well. BUT I did go to a doctor. He's got some medication in mind for me that should apparently help me. I had to get my bloodwork done and cleared first, and the okay came through tonight. I'll be able to pick up the medication tomorrow.

I know that shit won't change overnight, but regardless I'm very hopeful. I've been steadily deteriorating for a while now and something needs to change for me.

Part of the problem is...

So, I don't believe in the afterlife. When someone dies, that's it, that's the end of it. For me, personally, that means when I die... the universe basically ends. Nothing matters. I'm going to be gone and unable to witness it, so what does it matter?

Which leads to what do I matter and i can already feel my heart starting to race thinking about this.

You know that line in Serenity? "Please god make me a stone"? My manta is "please make me a robot" or "let me be immortal."

Death terrifies me, it makes me shake and cry and I don't understand how people seem to function.

So if anyone has any tips on that or knows how I can go about becoming a robot... lemme know.

Until them, I'm just gonna have to hope this medication I'm going to go on helps.
luciazephyr: ice figs, one sliced in half to expose it's center of sky blue stain over white fruit flesh, extremely pretty ([Misc] food porn is the best porn)
I guess I should?

Communication lately feels like throwing a message in a bottle out to sea: ultimately useless as even if you get a response it's going to be too late.

.... yeah this is going to be an ecstatically happy post, can't you tell

But that's sort of where I stand right now. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still in fucking Florida. I still feel like I can't quite keep my head above water. Especially with today, when I learned that Mum's job screwed her so we can't get health insurance until October, which is very, very far away when you're having depressive episodes every night.

The worst of it is that things become impossible to handle late at night (hence this shit getting written at 2:30AM), when everyone is asleep and thus I have to deal with it alone and as quietly as possible.

Writing is very hard, lately. Nothing I do feels good enough to even show my betas, and given I put an dangerous amount of my self-worth into being able to write, it turns into an ugly cycle.

The thing that... really stings the most though is rather understandable, the thing is that I've finally broken down and flat-out told my family that this is happening, that it has been for months, and that I need help

and three weeks later, it's all completely forgotten. We don't talk about it. They make jokes about my difficulties spending time with them. They ask me what my problem is.

I feel like I'm out of bottles. That this is just going to be status quo for the rest of my life.

So that's it. That's me, dealing. Or not, as it were.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Yesterday I learned that I can build a gaming rig from components in 2.5 hours with no troubleshooting needed.

Today I learned that I cannot fucking install Windows 7 to save my fucking life what the fuck is this shit just fucking INSTALL YOU ASSHOLE.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
I ended up doing a liveblog of the entire book on Tumblr. This is the tag for it, with the posts listed in chronological order. I have extremely mixed feelings on the book. In a way, it was my favorite in the series and in a way I want to throw it into a bonfire.

I'm still trying to sort out my opinion on it, but for now, figured I'd share the link.
luciazephyr: golden tiger with pale green eyes ([DF] tyger tyger...)
Hey guys.

We are not going to talk about the fucking travesty that is the Cold Days sample chapters. I'm doing that enough on Tumblr anyway.

Time for some fic. It'll go up with my Amnesty Kink Bingo square. Yep, I still plan on doing a full bingo, even past deadline.

Title: Diplomatic Resolution
Fandom: The Dresden Files, Dresden/Marcone.
Ratings/Warnings: Explicit for sexual content.
Summary: I don’t usually have much of a head for politics, unless it involves abusing loopholes to keep myself un-executed, but I was pretty sure politicking didn’t usually lead to lazing around in bubble baths. (Decadence Square fill for Kink Bingo)

Here at AO3!
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
I'm not around on the internet lately. If anyone needs me, I still check my email a few times a day. luciazephyr at gmail.
luciazephyr: Utena Tenjou, the once and future prince ([RGU] once and future prince)
today something happened. something bad enough that I don't feel welcome or safe here anymore. I feel completely trapped. When I was done crying and needed to just be *away* for a while, all I could do was go outside and walk. When I got back, she grabbed my arm and pulled me back in, like bringing me back was some kind of magnanimous thing.

Everyone's acting like nothing happened. But I'm not okay. I don't think I'm going to be okay again.

AMA time

Sep. 15th, 2012 05:32 pm
luciazephyr: shady individual lurking, beware ([3PS] eli's coming)
My muse is fighting me tooth and claw over this fic I'm supposed to work on for Kink Bingo, so I'm hoping to jumpstart my writing with this.

Ask me anything about my writing or fannishness. Ask me about what happens in a month's time after X fic, or what my strongest headcanon is for Y fandom. Give me a title of something I've never written and I'll tell you the story behind it. Ask me for a Top Five list or an impromptu fanmix or what tea I associate Z with.

Semi-relatedly, I may share the MoC plot outline soon, it's an idea I am toying with to definitively kill that story and move on from it.

Hit me.

/goes to play Skyrim, will answer comments tonight
luciazephyr: golden tiger with pale green eyes ([DF] tyger tyger...)
The Matter of Chicago is postponed indefinitely.

Sorry. But I have too many bad experiences linked to that fic to even look at it anymore. Maybe sometime in the future I'll finish it or post the story outline, but as it is...

I'm genuinely sorry, guys.
luciazephyr: golden tiger with pale green eyes ([DF] tyger tyger...)
I'm gonna just assume everyone who is able has watched PSY's "Gangnam Style" music video. I believe we have here is the apex of global swag levels, the likes of which we will never see again in our lifetimes. I for one am honored to have witnessed this historic moment.

Okay, so I'm sick enough that I'm at the "heat up broth and butter some bread" stage, and I am going to now write about what video games each person in the Dresden Files would play if they all could play video games.

I'm rather proud of myself for not projecting too hard on anyone here. )

brb need more broth now
luciazephyr: Dress in Drag and Marry the Doctor! ([DW] Book of the Still. Really happened.)
oops I tripped and wrote Eighth Doctor Adventure fic.

Title: with apologies to richard siken
Warnings: Some violent imagery.
Summary: Let's say the Devil is played by two men. We'll call them Fitz. (Eight/Fitz. Take-off of Siken’s “You Are Jeff”)

Notes: Thank you to LJ user lelek for the short-notice beta. 8D

Read it at AO3.
luciazephyr: Eight looking dreamy and lost ([DW] The Romantic Amnesiac)
Does any Eighth Doctor Adventures fan still follow me?

I need a beta. I need a beta hardcore.

I'm writing a Fitz Kreiner character study in the style of Richard Siken's "You Are Jeff".


Let's say the Devil is played by two men. We'll call them Fitz. The one that you left has gone rotten in his middle, soured like milk left out for two thousand years. The other isn't Fitz, but you don't remember that, and that's about the same thing. He plays the role so well. It'd take more than the naked eye to see the faults in the performance, and it's rude to criticize the actor before the curtain's down.

Sit back. Enjoy the show. Wait for intermission.

luciazephyr: "I hate when you reduce my insecurities to game mechanics." ([DF] trouble: perpetually broke)
I had a really vivid dream about three nights ago about Otacon and Snake getting tossed into a VR machine (why am I so obsessed with those things) by someone who wanted them out of the way but not dead. And the simulation happened to be based on the shit on Otacon's computer. So it randomly loaded up Fallout for them to "play", with beating the game = getting out.

And the original dream ended around there but I'm still thinking about it.

And how it'd reverse the boys' power dynamics (why am I so obsessed with those things). When Snake fumbles around and eventually catches up to Otacon, he's halfway to max level, totting some serious weaponry, and riding around on a nuclear-powered motorcycle. Because he know the game so well, he's metagamed it to hell and back. He's dumped all his points in Small Arms and Science and Repair and Explosives, and he's a fucking terror of the Capitol Wasteland.

And when Snake catches up, he gives him a bottle of Rad-X and a stack of the Big Guns-increasing book items because he's used an exploit to get infinite copies and Snake can ride in the sidecar with the rocket launcher.

I just want that so baaaaad. Snake having to deal with very much not being the weapon of the two of them for once, and Otacon's blasé explanation of the Bethesda's Gamebyro engine and how easy it is to min-max once you understand how it works.

There. Aren't your lives so much better now that you know more about my terrible weaknesses?

Also, Snake would be all "unfortunate boner" over Otacon in Wasteland drag.

ETA: whoops I accidentally Wanderer!Otacon
luciazephyr: Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins leaning against a wall, looking handsome as ever. ([DA] the man who would be)
Someone actually asked me to do an update post on my life. I had no idea anyone outside the poor souls I pester incessantly on Twitter cared. So I'll put it under a cut at least.

Life and fandom update wheeee )

So that's what's happening. Nothing interesting, mostly just emo bullshit. Sorry, folks.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
humiliation (situational) wet messy dirty spaces scenes and settings pervertibles pictures
double penetration bites / bruises medical kink shaving / depilation piercings / needleplay
animal play object penetration wildcard vanilla kink leather latex rubber
fisting / stretching teasing gender play vehicular voyeurism
rough body play painplay (other) orgies / decadence sensory deprivation foot / shoe fetish



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