luciazephyr: Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins leaning against a wall, looking handsome as ever. ([DA] the man who would be)
[personal profile] luciazephyr
Someone actually asked me to do an update post on my life. I had no idea anyone outside the poor souls I pester incessantly on Twitter cared. So I'll put it under a cut at least.

So, I'm still in Florida. And despite putting in applications everywhere, am jobless. And should honestly be putting in for college.

But it's been... very difficult lately for me emotionally. I started doing this thing where I'd take a nap just so I would have to deal with how sad I was feeling. Crying every once in a while, and just feeling lonely and isolated and unwelcome. I don't really have a space to myself in the apartment, and my grandmother has certain habits that continuously make me feel like I'm part of the mess in her home. So. That's been a thing. I didn't really notice it until a friend pointed out "hey, brosis, you sound kinda depressed, maybe do something about that." Now I'm at least aware that I may be depressed.

I know precisely why I'm depressed though, so if I can work and get any of the seven or eight things wrong with my situation fixed, I'd probably feel a lot better, if only because I'll feel less impotent. I want to have a job so I can save money to GTFO of Florida, so I need to work on that. I want to find a non-shitty FL school to sign up for, so I need to figure out the logistics of that (which is even more complicated than you'd think-- I'm an out of state student, so my tuition is on average three times what it should be). I want to fucking write something, so I need to do that. Not writing in particular makes me want to scream. Like, okay, bravo, you have something you're not terrible at, but if you only have the one thing you can do, when you can no longer do it, it's fucking devastating. It's ridiculous, but whenever I sit with a GDoc open and don't put anything new into it, I always think well, then what are you good for.

Mum initially blew me off when I tried to tell her about all this, saying it's because I'm inside too much and the lack of sun is making me sad. Uh huh. Later, I tried again, and she's more sympathetic. Upon explaining the writing thing, she said I needed to step away from the writing and instead go play video games until my brain rots, then come at it again.

Lucky me that the Steam Summer Sale is going on. 75% off pretty much everything. Playing things like Audiosurf is.... relaxing. A bit.

Until I stop, anyway. Like, I've been doing the distraction thing for a while. I DLed most of Community and built a magic school and village in Minecraft (does anyone else play Minecraft? I have a spare computer I could put up a server on). I find little things to hold my attention, and I feel fine while I'm doing them, but the moment I stop, it's like WHOOSH a flood of self-loathing hits me. Sucks.

So that's what's happening. Nothing interesting, mostly just emo bullshit. Sorry, folks.
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