luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
[personal profile] luciazephyr
I have no idea who's even out there anymore? Hello? Is this microphone live?


I am still hellaciously depressed and not handling things well. BUT I did go to a doctor. He's got some medication in mind for me that should apparently help me. I had to get my bloodwork done and cleared first, and the okay came through tonight. I'll be able to pick up the medication tomorrow.

I know that shit won't change overnight, but regardless I'm very hopeful. I've been steadily deteriorating for a while now and something needs to change for me.

Part of the problem is...

So, I don't believe in the afterlife. When someone dies, that's it, that's the end of it. For me, personally, that means when I die... the universe basically ends. Nothing matters. I'm going to be gone and unable to witness it, so what does it matter?

Which leads to what do I matter and i can already feel my heart starting to race thinking about this.

You know that line in Serenity? "Please god make me a stone"? My manta is "please make me a robot" or "let me be immortal."

Death terrifies me, it makes me shake and cry and I don't understand how people seem to function.

So if anyone has any tips on that or knows how I can go about becoming a robot... lemme know.

Until them, I'm just gonna have to hope this medication I'm going to go on helps.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-14 08:15 pm (UTC)
forestgreen: charchoil picture: Iason embracing Riki possessively and Riki reluctantly surrendering. Charecters from Ai No Kusabi (Default)
From: [personal profile] forestgreen
I don't know if this will help. Maybe you've seen it before. I personally find it very uplifting, since I'm all about the physics.

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping you feel better soon!

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-14 08:34 pm (UTC)
qem_chibati: Coloured picture of Killua from hunter x hunter, with the symbol of Qem in the corner. (A cat made from Q, E, M) (Default)
From: [personal profile] qem_chibati
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well, I hope the new medication helps.

The problem with trying to give tips for this kind of thing, is a lot of us are worried that we might make it worse. But I tend to think of starfish, and focus what I have at hand, get through one step at a time.

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement.
She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”
The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied,
“Well, I made a difference to that one!”
The old man looked at the girl inquisitively and thought about what she had done and said. Inspired, he joined the little girl in throwing starfish back into the sea. Soon others joined, and all the starfish were saved. - adapted from the Star Thrower by Loren C. Eiseley

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-15 03:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't have any tips for you but I hope that you'll feel better. I also hope that the medication will help.

I've been watching The Bravest Warriors on youtube and it cheers me up. I have also been listening to a lot of classical music lately.

I'm glad that you posted something. Sorry I don't have much to say.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-15 05:01 am (UTC)
thene: Naomi Hunter is very suspicious. (naomi)
From: [personal profile] thene
I don't believe in the afterlife either, by which I mean, I don't incorporate it into my religious practices because I am not letting some nebulous future on the other side of some impassable threshold impact the way I live now.

It seems like you are totally missing out on the benefits of not believing in the afterlife. What happens after death is ruling your life right now, as much as it does for any afterlife-believer jockeying for a place in the great hereafter.

...Okay look I know that trying to logic out of this shit is not going to work, esp if it is essentially a phobia/anxiety disorder, so srsly, many hugs, take care of yourself, I really hope the medical treatment works out.

ETA: no wait I kinda do mean it on the logic thing. look now; the reason for not believing in an afterlife is a two-parter - first part, because we have no evidence of anything that occurs after death, and second part, because we should never let ourselves be controlled by speculations that we have no evidence to support, which involve things that we have not experienced, and which only amount to responses to fear. You are getting all of the downside of death-fear here, without even a cheery story about it all being better on the other side to comfort yourself with. This seems like an unfair thing to do to yourself :(
Edited Date: 2013-03-15 06:56 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-15 04:21 pm (UTC)
kitewithfish: The Doctor tilts his head. (Default)
From: [personal profile] kitewithfish
So, I'm responding AFTER the ER post, which makes me a little more in favor of becoming a robot. Robots don't have bad reactions to medication! But they do have shitty software patches to deal with, so, it might be a wash.

I think that perhaps your being overwhelmed by this fear is really pretty reasonable- I am betting on there being an afterlife, and I am still scared shitless of death and dying. Our lives matter so much!

I had a therapist tell that jealousy is good and valuable, because it helps you know what you want. I think that perhaps, if you can't get around or over this fear right now, you can live with it and try to look at it from a different angle- being afraid to die lets you know how much you want to be alive, how much you have to lose, how much life there still is to be lived.

You can't beat death right now, and you perhaps can't work your way around to being emotionally centered in the face of the knowledge of death- and that's fine. That will probably pass in time without you needing to force it, tho I have no doubt it will feel like forever. But until you can become immortal, you can carry your fear around knowing that it makes clear just how much everything in life does matter, and how rich we are in living it, and what a gift it is to be anything at all.

Be gentle with yourself, dear. There is more to be had.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-17 10:36 pm (UTC)
eiyria: Black icon with artistic designs (Default)
From: [personal profile] eiyria
Somethings are things in which people are unable to sane-ly think about, they are just beyond our grasp. Can you expect a dog to understand mathematics like a human can? Can it even grasp it's importance? A dog is too limited to understand such things. Perhaps we are too limited to comprehend the end - to comprehend nothing.

If we are to die at some point, if everything ends, and then there is no more - are we truly capable of understanding that? Absolute nothingness? Maybe the concept of 'death' is not what terrifies us, but the lack of ability to understand the unknown.

Everyone dies. There will come a time when everyone reaches this point. For some it comes to soon, for others it comes late, but nothing lasts forever.

When I've thought about this, I decided to stop thinking about death, and more about living. I decided I wanted to live for the people I love, and the details at the end wouldn't matter so much. If I could give my everything for the people I care for and for the people I will (in the future) care for, then I can leave a piece of myself behind - and this means, to at least one person, I matter.

People function because they don't think about it, or subscribe to religion to save them from thinking about it. I personally think it is more healthy to change your perspective so that the end doesn't matter, because the journey to get there is what makes the story of your life.

It is a really hard concept to put into words... but I tried...


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