luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
[personal profile] luciazephyr
I have no idea who's even out there anymore? Hello? Is this microphone live?

Anyway.

I am still hellaciously depressed and not handling things well. BUT I did go to a doctor. He's got some medication in mind for me that should apparently help me. I had to get my bloodwork done and cleared first, and the okay came through tonight. I'll be able to pick up the medication tomorrow.

I know that shit won't change overnight, but regardless I'm very hopeful. I've been steadily deteriorating for a while now and something needs to change for me.

Part of the problem is...

So, I don't believe in the afterlife. When someone dies, that's it, that's the end of it. For me, personally, that means when I die... the universe basically ends. Nothing matters. I'm going to be gone and unable to witness it, so what does it matter?

Which leads to what do I matter and i can already feel my heart starting to race thinking about this.

You know that line in Serenity? "Please god make me a stone"? My manta is "please make me a robot" or "let me be immortal."

Death terrifies me, it makes me shake and cry and I don't understand how people seem to function.

So if anyone has any tips on that or knows how I can go about becoming a robot... lemme know.

Until them, I'm just gonna have to hope this medication I'm going to go on helps.
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