luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Uncomfortable realization number one: I'm 21 and stuck in a place I hate doing a job I hate to pay for schooling that has yet to teach me a goddamn thing.

Uncomfortable realization number two: The only thing in recent memory that has brought me joy is the goddamn epic fic. And I don't have the time to write it like I used to thanks to said job and aforementioned useless schooling.

May this be the winter of my discontent, because I don't know what to do anymore. It's an endless fucking cycle. I have a job to help pay for my college with will hopefully help me get a higher paying job. Except just knowing I have to work tomorrow makes me want to scream into my pillow. And the more money that I don't actually have that gets sunk into my education, the more I just lose my mind because it's so expensive and I didn't have the money in the first place and I'm not fucking learning anything. What is the point of it? Out of the money that's been burned, what do I know now that I didn't before? That maybe it'd be interesting to write a character who is a tantric buddhist. That's it.

More and more I think about all that money I don't actually have going away, knowing I'm going to have to pay it all back later, and I just start to freak out. It's like I'm stuck in a hole and I'm just making the hole deeper.

I might possibly be freaking out. And the knowledge that I can't do a damn thing about it is what's really fucking with me.
luciazephyr: Sherlock, sharply in focus but barely in frame ([SH] call it crying lightning)
The annoying thing about being logical and self-aware is that it doesn't really help when you need it to. I recognize I have no reason to be depressed and that I should just keep calm and rock on, as usuaal. And usually I do. Being aware that you have no reason to be so upset often helps you to move past the feeling.

Then all of a sudden it doesn't and the smallest thing sets you off and fills you with this rage or panic and you can't breathe and it makes no sense. You need to stop and focus on getting your mountain of schoolwork done and get through your job. Letting it eat up at you is fucking things up and you cannot afford it, not with school being so dire and your teachers being so unsympathetic. Saying "I'm in the middle of some sort of breakdown," does not work as an excuse.

And, of course, by "you", I mean "me", and by this entire post, I mean, "for fuck's sake, why can't I snap out of this, I hate it, only being happy after watching an episode of Pushing Daisies, like a visual anti-depressant that runs out soon after the end credits. I have copious amounts of shit to do, this can't be happening now when I am working every day this week and I have two major assignments due in as many days! BOTHER THIS NONSENSE."
luciazephyr: Mercutio, intense and dark ([Misc] Queen Mab hath been with you)
Okay, I tried really hard to dodge my depression by drowning it in work, but I have officially failed.

Found out that, yes, I do have to pay that $2000 medical bill that my PCP screwed me into and I missed the student deference program deadline by a few days and will have to pay it all despite the fact I only make at most $500 a month and $400 goes towards bills.

So basically I'm going to go another year living paycheck to paycheck and not having a bank account to speak of because you have to have about $100 to open one in the first place.

Oh, and my first speech assignment was screwed up by Mum because she hit a button she shouldn't have when we were recording.

I'll just be over here listening to Damien Rice and trying not to cry. Fuck.


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