luciazephyr: shady individual lurking, beware ([Misc] Ian's an IRL lurker)
So I troll around ONTD_Political a lot and more and more I'm being drawn into the various terrifying articles about people who go through school and come out with no prospects and end up deeper in debt with nothing to show for it. And that kind of terrifies the shit out of me.

I know what my dream jobs are. I want to write stories with more representation for various minorities. I want to go into media studies to examine prejudice. I want to learn ASL and work against ableism.

All nice thoughts, but all pretty pipedreamy.

I need a bankable talent if I don't want to be poor forever. I'm likely going to talk to my friend who's successfully started up his own business being a roaming IT guy for whatever company needs help and ask him about how he got into that. I have a decent affinity for computers and could probably make something of that.

Career folks, what fields are you in? How's the job market for them?

God, living in this country is depressing as fuck.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
1. Thanks to everyone's kind words about... the last entry. I've been without reliable internet for the last four days, so I haven't been replying, which makes me an asshole, but the kind words mean the world to me right now.

2. In brighter news, I am packing my things because I'm going back to MO tomorrow! Yay! SO MUCH YAY. Out of this stressful fucking state, back home where it is boring, but I'm less likely to need to hide in the bathroom and cry because something my family said. Whoop.

3. Without internet, I've been unable to work on AAAAAANYTHING, which has driven me partially nuts. See, I work out of Google Docs, but no internet = no MoC, no bakery AU. But given my long flight tomorrow, I should get a good swath of the bakery AU's next part done. So all ya'll clamoring for more, I'm getting to it. Sorry about that.

4. Randomly started listening to Lupe Fiasco and B.o.B. on YouTube because I loved them on Janelle Monae's songs. Wow. Good stuff, maybe the first hip-hop I've ever liked. Huh.

More packing to do now, ta~
luciazephyr: Mordin, looking regretful ([ME] you have to live with it)
What did you learn today, everyone?

I learned that my Grandmother thinks who I am is wrong.
  • I am too opinionated and sensitive as a person.

  • I should have been baptized and raised as a Christian.

  • I mouthed off to a bestselling author and shouldn't have been surprised when my mother didn't want to talk to me about it--

No, that deserves it's own list because there is so much-- I never mouthed off to Butcher. I was calm and even if I flailed at Cyprinella, I never did to him. I kept my head even as I freaking out and getting close to hyperventilation.

And she would know that if she ever took an interest in the Butcher Incident. I offered to let her read the transcript twice. She said no. And now she's making bullshit assumptions about what I did and did not do.

And furthermore, I know my mother disagrees with me on the racefail. When I called her, I just wanted to talk to my mother because I'd just called out a bestselling author and I was feeling a mite bit shaky. I just wanted to talk about how scared and nervous I was, for fuck's sake.

So. I'm something of a mistake, it seems.

I called my mother and earnestly thanked her for raising me as she did, giving me the chance to be my own person, not forcing me into beliefs I couldn't consent to. I had no idea before tonight that it was such a close thing.

I'm probably going to just cry myself to sleep now. And I sure as fuck am never telling her I'm gay, let alone anything else about my beliefs. Just fucking no.

I can't believe that just happened.
luciazephyr: Janelle Monae, "I saved you so you'd save the world" ([♪] I saved you so you'd save the world)
Oh, Florida. My feelings on you have so not changed. See, I love going to the beach because standing out in the ocean feeling pushed and pulled by the waves is my ultimate zen place. But everything else about Florida sucks. I'm sadly stranded most of the time, as I don't have a vehicle and Grandmum is often working during the week. And I can never figure out her moods, so I never know if she's pissed at me or if I've done something. She always just says things "are not a problem," and I can't tell when she's being serious or not. I've been sick probably half the time I've been here, and I think it's just stress because I have no idea what she thinks of me. [/whining]

Anyway. I figured I should link to this [community profile] dresden_resource post I did: Occult Chicago, including maps and some basic info on how to write the city. I want to do a full primer in the future, but I'll likely need [personal profile] binz's help, as she has actually been there.

So I made a big Google Map of all the important locations in the Dresdenverse, right? And Priscilla, the Official Dresden Files Fan, commented on it. Which was weird and uncomfortable and I've heard enough about her that I really just want her to go away. D8 [/so yeah]

Also, if you have seen Brokeback Mutants The Mutant Kids Are All Right X-Men First Class, you need to be following Limited Release. It's apparently a White Collar/X-Men fusion, but I have never seen White Collar and can tell you it's fucking phenomenal. In turns tense, sweet, and fucking hilarious. I have so many lines I love, but my favorite bit is probably:
"It's my home; I can have a guest."

"Well, Summers isn't a guest, he's a criminal, which means he's mine," Erik retorts. "He goes where I say."

Summers, because apparently he picks up social cues to back the fuck off as well as Hank does, pipes up to say, "I don't care where we stay, but I'm not leaving Hank alone with this guy," and glower at Charles.

Don't worry, Charles interjects here reassuringly. I may have convinced him I'm a sexual predator. Alex appears actually to have some commendable protective instincts.

I don't even want to know, Erik thinks back.

You will love it, I promise you. Go read, guys.

God, I'm hungry. Yet, as mentioned, stranded. Am seriously thinking about walked down five blocks to the grocery sto--- oh, shit, I have no money until I cash my check. Fuck, nevermind. 8\ I'll just sit here and work on MoC.
luciazephyr: Janelle Monae, "while your roses died I came alive" ([♪] while your roses died I came alive)
This is an odd request, but FListers, will you please share your happiest, more hopeful music right now?

I found out that my family's financial problems are even bigger than we thought. That car trouble a few weeks ago fucking gutted us and we have <$400 in the bank. My medical bills are overdue because I don't have the cash for them, and I wasn't able to pay the full mortgage amount this month (I cover the mortgage, Mum tries to cover everything else). We have late bills and

the worst of it is my health insurance, the one that screwed me over to the tune of $2000. They're still taking $100 out of my paycheck a month, and that's $100 I could really fucking use, to put it extremely lightly. I tried to cancel the insurance since it's worthless and I can't even use it to go see a doctor about my knee problems (been just wearing a knee brace, seems to be helping). Apparently, I can't cancel until November, which... I don't even want to think about right now. I've cried enough today already.

So I'm packing up some stuff to sell. That Wii my well-meaning Grandmum got that I've never used, some over things.

Luckily, I'm going to Florida on the 16th. I can make a lot of money there. Maybe I'll stay there until November, even though I loathe the place with every fiber of my being.

Anyway. Happy music, if you got any. Music is how I self-medicate my depression. Feeling agitated? Throw on some Andrew Bird and I mellow out in minutes. Feeling frantic? Some Damien Rice calms me down. Lethargic? Break out the Scissor Sisters.

Now I need happy/hopeful shit. Really bad.

At the moment, this is my cheerful song of choice (also, excellent fanvid of Doctor Who's fifth series, watch for spoilers):

:gets back to packing up stuff:

Probably goes without saying that MoC will be late again. It's hard to focus when financial issues come up.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Uncomfortable realization number one: I'm 21 and stuck in a place I hate doing a job I hate to pay for schooling that has yet to teach me a goddamn thing.

Uncomfortable realization number two: The only thing in recent memory that has brought me joy is the goddamn epic fic. And I don't have the time to write it like I used to thanks to said job and aforementioned useless schooling.

May this be the winter of my discontent, because I don't know what to do anymore. It's an endless fucking cycle. I have a job to help pay for my college with will hopefully help me get a higher paying job. Except just knowing I have to work tomorrow makes me want to scream into my pillow. And the more money that I don't actually have that gets sunk into my education, the more I just lose my mind because it's so expensive and I didn't have the money in the first place and I'm not fucking learning anything. What is the point of it? Out of the money that's been burned, what do I know now that I didn't before? That maybe it'd be interesting to write a character who is a tantric buddhist. That's it.

More and more I think about all that money I don't actually have going away, knowing I'm going to have to pay it all back later, and I just start to freak out. It's like I'm stuck in a hole and I'm just making the hole deeper.

I might possibly be freaking out. And the knowledge that I can't do a damn thing about it is what's really fucking with me.

Well then.

Feb. 23rd, 2011 05:48 pm
luciazephyr: Mercutio, intense and dark ([Misc] Queen Mab hath been with you)
There's a fifty percent chance I'm going to walk out of my job tomorrow.

I work in food service. We have a period called "lockdown" from 11 to 1. It's the busiest time of the day and people are supposed to stay as close to their stations as possible and keep the line moving quickly so we don't get bogged down. Then, after lockdown, things relax and people start to get sent on break and can do stock and such.

But today we had a new rule: you cannot get a drink during lockdown.

No soda, no water, nothing. I even asked if I can go to the restroom and drink out of the fucking sink. Nope.

Two hours may sound like no sweat to you. But when you're standing over a fryer or a grill for the entirety of those two hours, breathing in hot air, it's a long fucking time.

I have a history of dehydration. I've been to the hospital 4 or 5 times in my life-- enough to know that I need to hydrate regularly during work so I don't pass the fuck out. I'm not going to end up in the hospital a sixth time.

So if I'm working over the fryer again tomorrow and if they tell me I can't get a drink, I'm going to likely walk out.
luciazephyr: Sherlock, sharply in focus but barely in frame ([SH] call it crying lightning)
oh god oh god oh god...

My Mass Media class has a project coming up. I can write a 10-15 page paper on a media topic

or I can make a 4-6 minute video on a topic.

OH FUCK YEAH. Oh man I just have to decide what to talk about... Casual sexism in video games? The interplay of sex and violence in television? Overwhelming heterosexism in everything? Maybe get a little daring and cover a fannish topic?

luciazephyr: Fitz Kreiner, a man called Fortune ([DW] a man called Fortune)

I swear, three people today said bye to me today with something like "have a blessed day" and "have a great day with jesus," I AM NOT KIDDING.

That is so fucking weird to me. That'd be like me saying, "have an awesome day and remember Douglas Adams fondly" or something, I dunno.

So either its a holiday and I missed it or I just really look like a heathen.

In other news, I heard Grandmum is getting me a pentacle necklace as a late birthday present. 8D So not only am I one step closer to Dresden cosplay, but I think I want a necklace with a bunch of religious iconography. Like, one of each major faith? And, if I can find one, a pendant of the atheist A. But I have never seen such a pendant, so.
luciazephyr: Harry with his staff and fancy hat ([DF] but somebody's gotta do it)
I mentioned my birthday was on Saturday to one of my coworkers.
Him: Twenty-first, right? But you don't drink.
Me: Nope, teetotal.
Him: Hell, then what's the point of being twenty-one. People like you should get to skip to twenty-two.

Alcohol scares me, ngl. And Mum already gave me my present (Changes audiobook she found for $10). I'm surprised I even remember my birthday. Last year I only remembered it, like, halfway through the day of.


Also, just... so ya'll know, the current chapter is taking longer than expected. It's a very difficult one, so I'm not sure when it'll be done. Sorry.
luciazephyr: Mercutio, intense and dark ([Misc] Queen Mab hath been with you)
I woke up today with an achy headcold.

A few hours later, I got my period.

Now I must choose between the cold meds and the Midol.

FML. FML hard. I am now going to brew a massive pot of half-jasmine, half-vanilla tea.

Also, I AM OUT OF MILK. And it's SNOWING, so I can't leave. FML.
luciazephyr: Harry with his staff and fancy hat ([DF] but somebody's gotta do it)
Been a while since I did a list.

  1. Mum's arriving in Florida in a few hours. YAAAAAY. I have missed her. I talk shit about Missouri a lot, but I am eager for a change from hectic, get-it-done-now-now-now Floridians. I'm only going to see her for a day, sadly, then I'm on a flight back to Missouri (YAAAAAAY again). Back home, where people don't drive like lunatics and the nightly news isn't 90% violent crime.

  2. The next chapter of The Matter of Chicago (the Wonder Beta's name for the fic, which is easier to type than the full name) is only just started. In this case, "just started" is 4000 words, which is just under normal chapter length, but this is a special case. Everyone was split on how to handle the big chapter, so my current plan is to write the entire dramatic climax, which I am thinking will span three chapters and post them one right after another over the course of three days. Or, knowing me, two days, with one posted in the evening, one the following morning, and the last that evening.

  3. I was planning to be farther in the chapter at this point, but I got caught up writing the plot outline for the next plot arc, which is looking kind of awesome despite lacking a resolution at this point. Yes, there's another full-length arc on the way. I promise I have an endgame for this madness, so it's not going to roll on indefinitely. You will get a concrete ending.

    My mother always had a deep loathing of the X-Files because when she watched it, she felt the writers didn't have an ending in mind and she hated how the story apparently petered out at the end. Ever since I got into writing, she's drilled into me that whatever I do, make sure I have an ending in mind. No matter how great a story is, if it doesn't leave the audience on good terms, it failed. It's possibly the only writing advice I've taken from my mother, but damn if it's not really good stuff.

  4. Shifting gears, I think I need to hand in my indie card. No number of Arcade Fire, Andrew Bird, and Ani Difranco (... lots of A names...) is going to make up for the fact my current VLC playlist consists of Billboard toppers. And... I think I may be starting to like the Black Eyed Peas? Okay, only two of their songs as the rest annoy me but I really like "I Gotta Feeling" and "Meet Me Halfway".

    I also have "Club Can't Handle Me" because some evil, evil person on my FList pimped it and now I'm actually enjoying it even if the lyrics are fucking idiotic. I think I may still hate hip-hop and rap as a whole, but I have a soft spot for Infectious Joyful Dancey Music? Maybe?

    Pop music makes me feel dirty.

  5. Have downloaded the Dresden Files RPG books. I've had the second book, as it's a phenomenal resource for the series, for a while now, but I recently snagged the first too. HARRY AND BOB AND BILLY ARE LOVE. THEIR NOTES AMUSE ME SO MUCH.

    [After the RPG text refers to "Keep it simple, silly":]
    Bob: Isn't it "Keep it simple, stupid?"
    Billy: Georgia... encouraged me not to address the reader as "stupid."
    Bob: Did she encourage you in the sack?
    Harry: Aaaaaaand you're done.

    It's really cute. Harry bitching to Billy about his player not rolling well, demanding 20 retroactive fate points, and the running gag of calling Kavros a jerk because "it bears repeating." And of course every time Harry bitches about Marcone, I giggle. "John Marcone, white courtesy phone!"

    I'm gonna have to find some copies of these books. Dammit.

ETA: Harry has seen Doctor Who. Four is his favorite. ♥


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