luciazephyr: Janelle Monae, "while your roses died I came alive" ([♪] while your roses died I came alive)
This is an odd request, but FListers, will you please share your happiest, more hopeful music right now?


I found out that my family's financial problems are even bigger than we thought. That car trouble a few weeks ago fucking gutted us and we have <$400 in the bank. My medical bills are overdue because I don't have the cash for them, and I wasn't able to pay the full mortgage amount this month (I cover the mortgage, Mum tries to cover everything else). We have late bills and

the worst of it is my health insurance, the one that screwed me over to the tune of $2000. They're still taking $100 out of my paycheck a month, and that's $100 I could really fucking use, to put it extremely lightly. I tried to cancel the insurance since it's worthless and I can't even use it to go see a doctor about my knee problems (been just wearing a knee brace, seems to be helping). Apparently, I can't cancel until November, which... I don't even want to think about right now. I've cried enough today already.

So I'm packing up some stuff to sell. That Wii my well-meaning Grandmum got that I've never used, some over things.

Luckily, I'm going to Florida on the 16th. I can make a lot of money there. Maybe I'll stay there until November, even though I loathe the place with every fiber of my being.


Anyway. Happy music, if you got any. Music is how I self-medicate my depression. Feeling agitated? Throw on some Andrew Bird and I mellow out in minutes. Feeling frantic? Some Damien Rice calms me down. Lethargic? Break out the Scissor Sisters.

Now I need happy/hopeful shit. Really bad.


At the moment, this is my cheerful song of choice (also, excellent fanvid of Doctor Who's fifth series, watch for spoilers):




:gets back to packing up stuff:


Probably goes without saying that MoC will be late again. It's hard to focus when financial issues come up.
luciazephyr: Misha standing against the wall, shadowed and withdrawn ([SPN] what are you to me)
ETA: Seperis cures my self-pity.

We're fanfic writers, fanartists, vidders, we build websites, organize cons, and acquire skills in the pursuit of something that cannot ever make money, ever. It's barred to us by the law and we built a culture around it. We built a culture that is at its foundation based on acts of creation that have no purpose other than to give and receive pleasure and has no business application whatsoever. Christ, we can't even claim a higher religious, philosophical, or social purpose in the foundation of our creation, though I believe we are engaged in all three and more anyway, because that's like, pretentious and you know, making ourselves feel better about being total losers.



You know. It probably comes as no surprise that I'm proud of other things the road to hell is paved with. In just about a month and a half, I've written a ridiculous amount of fic and I don't look back on it and go "well, in hindsight I should have done this instead." No, I'm proud of it. I like what it's doing, where it's going, how it challenges me as a writer, and the absolutely insane amount of enthusiasm I've gotten in response to it.

And yet, when I explain what I'm doing to my relatives, the first thing they say is, "So when are you going to write your own story?"

Why does that piss me off so much? I just... I realize I am borrowing Butcher's world, but I have put so much goddamn work into plotting and making this all work, why isn't it my story? Why is the goal always writing a publishable story? I mean, I don't think I have the chops for original fiction, honestly, and all the good ideas are taken. Why can't this be fulfilling on its own?

Why is writing +76,000 words somehow unremarkable to my own family?

I don't know why this is bothering to the point it is (i.e. looking at the next chapter dully, not writing anything because I'm so annoyed about this). I'm throwing myself heart and soul into this story, I'm sinking hours of work into it, and as soon as I am asked what I'm doing, I reply, and am then asked why I'm not doing something else.

Sorry, I'm ranting and rambling, which is a fucking fabulous combination, lemme tell you. It's just that the disconnect between how blissfully happy my fic makes me with how meritless it is to my family kind of gets to me.


Okay, hopefully now I can get back to writing something worthlessworthwhile.
luciazephyr: Sherlock, sharply in focus but barely in frame ([SH] call it crying lightning)
I don't have words for the frustration I feel. I don't know what to think anymore about this disconnect between my writing and school.

Because I'm in college and I'm supposed to be writing a reference report paper on 15 references I've collected for my thesis. Except my thesis is so bland and pointless and says nothing of interest. Why did I pick the public's perceived disconnect between genetics and ethics, because god knows I have less than no opinion on the subject. I just wanted something that fit the theme of Frakenstein (which I still haven't read and have no urge to). Now I think, because this thesis has me literally so uninspired I cannot write a word about it, I have to pick a new thesis altogether. I have no idea what. It's not even the usual "I don't much care about the topic"-- I have literally no opinion to share or interesting insights to offer. There is nothing there.

I want to learn to write in a manner that exceeds what I already do. I am sick of year after year of nonsense reports no one cares about. Do you realize I've been phoning it on my English papers since I started high school? That's not an exaggeration. In fact, the paper I got the biggest praise for was an examination of the themes in Macbeth. A play I skimmed, never read the final act of, and had a generally low opinion of. I completely bullshitted my essay the night before it was due. My teacher adored it and left me glowing praises.

This gets better, right? I will actually start learning shit soon, I hope? Because I can say in complete honesty I have grown more as a writer by experimenting with my fanfic style and attempting to tell a good, solid fannish story than I have from any schooling I've had in my life.

I am so sick of this. It feels like throwing my money away and in total honesty, I cannot afford to throw money away at all.

When do they teach you about creating a new character you know better than yourself? When do they teach that "said" is an invisible word that can be used often without consequence? When do they, fuck, teach basic goddamn sentence flow? The way a story has to have rhythm and cadence, like music? How sometimes it's better to hold back description and use subtle cues to help your reader visualize something? That any scene you write has to serve a purpose in the story either by advancing plot or character development?

Because I learned each and every one of these lessons and none of them from the education system.

Fuck, I am so aggravated.

I keep doing that thing where I put on AF's "Windowsill" and want to beat my fists against the wall along with the drums and just scream the lyrics. Without music I would be a fucked up mess curled up on the floor.

mtv what have you done to me?
save my soul, set me free
set me free, what have you done to me?
I can't breathe, I can't see
world war three, when are you coming for me?
been kicking up sparks, so set the flames free
the windows are locked now, so what'll it be?
your house on fire? or the rising sea?

why is the night so still? why did I take that pill?
because I don't wanna see it at my windowsill
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Allow me to sum up my current mood in .gif form.



LISTEN OKAY

Customers: I KNOW WE ARE SLOW TODAY. Getting pissy with us is only going to slow things down more.

New Order Taking System: You are a buggy piece of shit and randomly locking me out of certain terminals was only funny the first.... OH WAIT IT WAS NEVER FUNNY WAS IT?

Co-Workers: Bitch, mock my accent over the headset private channel again. Do it. I fucking dare you, motherfucker.

One Co-Worker in Particular: OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T WANT FUCKING GRILLED CHICKEN, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? Also, take note about how I ignored you the first five times you asked, "Hey, hey, how do you know they didn't want grilled." Take the fucking hint. When my politesse runs out, I am a rage-filled bitch. Don't push me. I am already on thin ice with everything else going on.

Dear Managers: wow sure is fail in here


It probably didn't help that my grandmother and my aunt are both in the hospital right now and it's just generally been a bad fucking day.


I need a riding crop.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
I hate when Mum rents games for me to play without asking first.

HERE'S A GREAT IDEA FOR A GAME

There's NO STORY. Not even a lick of VA work involved. And even though you have four characters to play as, the variation is purely cosmetic since, lacking any gameplay or personality differences, they are are just the most basic of palette swaps!

And as for gameplay, oh boy! Let's have EXTREMELY linear paths with no variation to them and punish the players for trying to climb on things by having them fall to their deaths a lot! And it can be FORCED PERSPECTIVE WITH FIXED CAMERA. Oh yeah, and since EVERYTHING IS SO COLORFUL and there are NO TEXTURES TO SPEAK OF, it'll be nigh-impossible to figure out where the player is on the stage until they find themselves magically instakilled.

Speaking of no textures, since everything has the same shiny opaque surface and no way to tell if its water or blood or grass or the player character besides color- let's make it even BETTER by having approximately 234 enemies on screen at once. This will be especially awesome when they play Red Riding Hood and get gangbang-style attacked by 7 lumberjacks at once, and since the player honestly cannot find RRH in the sea of pastel paint-like blood on the arena, they'll resort to just mashing the attack button--

DID WE MENTION THE ATTACK BUTTON IS THE RIGHT ANALOG STICK? AND WE WON'T BE INFORMING THE PLAYER OF THIS AT ALL IN GAMEPLAY? SO THEY'LL SPEND FIVE MINUTES TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT?

GENIUS, ISN'T IT!?

Also, after they defeat the first boss, makes sure the massive amount of loot he drops vanishes so fast they can only pick up a tenth of it. AND THEN HAVE THEM FIGHT THE BOSS AGAIN. FOR NO APPARENT REASON. WITH NO GAMEPLAY VARIATION.

And then we can laugh as they fall in the water and instadie for the nth time because the camera and perspective make judging distance absolutely impossible.

BEST. TROLLGAME. EVER. RIGHT?

-Lucy

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