luciazephyr: Utena Tenjou, the once and future prince ([RGU] once and future prince)
today something happened. something bad enough that I don't feel welcome or safe here anymore. I feel completely trapped. When I was done crying and needed to just be *away* for a while, all I could do was go outside and walk. When I got back, she grabbed my arm and pulled me back in, like bringing me back was some kind of magnanimous thing.

Everyone's acting like nothing happened. But I'm not okay. I don't think I'm going to be okay again.
luciazephyr: sketch of a black woman looking slyly sideways, her face sharp and pretty, and her hair pulled back, curls hanging down ([MISC] 3 2 1 lets jam)
And thus we come to the tail end of this saga.

Last time of Lucy And Her Housing Drama: The house buyers fell through! All is lost!

After, we got the other prospective buyers to come back. They made us save some money off the deposit, but it was still better than not having a buyer.

The kicker is that the flaky buyers called back at 9AM the next day to ask for another shot at the house. HAAHAHAHAHAAH no.

We packed up the house, signed the papers, and trundled out of Missouri, set for Florida. Some quick impressions:

Eastern Missouri: I am gonna miss all the farms and fields and moo-moos and random llamas and the hills and the vistas and everything about you. Chesterfield, MO, you had a great hotel but jesus fucking christ you are the whitest, wannabe-poshiest MO city ever. What are you and do you think I don't know all that elegant hanging ivy isn't natural.

Illinois: You're boring, and you need more road signs.

Kentucky: WHAT THE FUCK, KENTUCKY? It is really, really obvious that Kentucky has no fucking money because from the moment we entered Kentucky to the time we left, the roads were terrible. I am dead serious when I say there wasn't ten miles of road that was good. It was sad. Infrastructure, KT, have you heard of it?

Tennessee: Hilariously, at the NOW ENTERING TENNESSEE sign, the roads suddenly become beautiful and newly paved. I wish I got a picture, but it was awesome, like TN was mocking KT for its shitty roads. TN was very very pretty, but also absolutely terrifying. There's this stretch of I-24, west of Chattanooga and around Monteagle, where I honestly thought I was going to die. It's the road down the mountain, and it is too steep. It's fine in a car, but in a truck, hauling a large load? You can't stop. You literally can't. There are fucking runaway truck ramps all the way down. My life was flashing before my eyes because we just couldn't slow down. What the fuck, Tennessee? BUILD ANOTHER ROAD. ONE THAT ISN'T OUTRIGHT DEADLY. COME ON NOW.

Georgia: Better than fucking Kentucky and Tennessee. But on the flipside: it's Georgia. The only thing worse is

Fucking Florida: God, I hate Florida. Like, really. I hate Florida, and having to drive through it myself has only intensified my hate.


So yeah. In a few minutes, were going out to the truck to offload some basic shit-- clothes and tea and such.

BTW: Fish, you, me, get together sometime this summer? I will drive to you if need by. This is shit that should happen, yo.
luciazephyr: Colin Meloy laying on the ground, "I am a writer, a writer of fictions, I am the heart you call home." ([♪] trying to rid you from my bones)
Hi. /waves

Still alive. Still dealing. Haven't moved yet, but it really is just a matter of time. Mum's looking into getting a lawyer and doing the whole surrender house in lieu of deed thing. So. There's that. Thanks much to everyone for the kind words and especially for the advice. It's been a huge help.


I've sadly not been writing. I'm still hovering right below critical mass for my stress level and am just trying to keep calm and carry on. I do feel rather guilty about not having written anything, especially since I promised the end of the MoC hiatus. I can only say that I'll get to it as soon as I can.


Mass Effect 3 is dropping in two days. I'm going to be at the midnight release. So. Pumped. You have no idea, guys. The ME series is among the most important media I've ever seen. I know ME3 is going to disappoint in some areas (what they're doing with EDI has me furious) but the sheer scale, the level of execution, the ambition, and the way they've crafted a story that spans the universe but still feels so personal? BioWare, I am impressed. Don't fuck this up.


I haven't been writing, but I have been thinking. I've been chewing over my origific in my head a lot lately, fleshing out the characters. I mentioned before that I was leaning on the tarot imagery for some inspiration in the story. Still true, but in a much broader sense. I've been reading Rachel Pollack's 78 Degrees of Wisdom and it's been invaluable food for thought.

So, for the curious, here's a basic rundown of my main cast, as I see them so far.shit only about three people including me care about under cut )



jfc, that was a lot of writing. hope it was somewhat interesting. bedtime now.
luciazephyr: golden tiger with pale green eyes ([DF] tyger tyger...)
/breathes deeply


Okay, so Grandma has hurt herself and Mum has decided that waiting a month and a half is too long. We are going to leave Missouri and return to Florida as soon as humanly possible. There is quite a bit of stuff to do.

  1. We need to figure out how to abandon the house. It is not really sellable and the mortgage is more than its worth by a fair amount (I'd say by $30K on the low end). It seems the best option for us is the "surrender by deed" the house to the bank, or possibly lender? I'm getting mixed signals on this.


  2. We are going to sell or trash a lot of stuff. We have chairs and bedroom sets and a fairly new clothes washer and AC unit and-- a lot of things. We're going to price it all out very cheaply (i.e. the new washer will go for about $75) and just get rid of as much as possible.


  3. What we can't sell, we're donating or recycling. I hate the Salvation Army for various reasons, so I'm looking for another venue to donate clothes and furniture and such. I live near Warrensburg, MO and am willing to drive a while.


I know there are other things, but this list is what's on my plate right now. If anyone has an information on any item, I'd appreciate any advice you could offer. I'm very much in the tall grass here, constantly on the verge of an emotional breakdown, and need help. And hey, if you are in the area and looking for furniture or appliances on the cheap? Lemme know. I have 'em, and everything will be under $100.

If you can help at all, hit me up here or, if you prefer, my email is luciazephyr[at]gmail.com.
luciazephyr: Mordin, looking regretful ([ME] you have to live with it)
So I am doing much better since my last entry. I had a minor epiphany about myself that will help me in the long run. Thank you, everyone, for the encouragement. So many tears were shed because of ya'll. ALL THE TEARS.

I'm plugging away at the Bakery AU, because it's a fun, relaxing fic to work on. Here's a small sample of the next chapter: Pyromania runs in the family )

It gets sillier from then on out. 8D Sooooo many shenanigans in store.


Student loans are coming in next month! I am tres excited. It'll help our financial situation a lot. And there should be about $200 left over after bills are paid. Whoo. I have, like, a list of shit I want to do.

  1. Put aside a little money for Mass Effect 3, Saints Row 3, and Journey. Literally the only games I give a shit about this year. I haven't bought a game since Little Big Planet 2. Not a good year for gaming. But I am getting the Special Edition of ME3. Going to sell back a bunch of books and such to pay for part of it. FUN FACT: I don't buy new games. Everything I get is used. Except ME3. I am getting that fucker opening night.


  2. Oddly enough, I'm thinking about getting Minecraft. Maybe. It's only $20(?), but I still wish there was a demo. It seems fun but I'm unsure if I'd actually like it. But I wanna try. Maybe. I dunno. I REALLY LIKED MINECRAFT CLASSIC? But. $20.


  3. Buy some cloth and learn to sew! It may help me. I don't buy clothes because nothing fits my bust, but if I can sew, I can make shit that'll hold my massive boobs, thus solving the problem. And it's more indie cred to make your own clothes anyway, amirite?


So yeah. But for now: PoliSci homework and Bakery AU.

Also: Brew some tea. Silver sent me some AMAZING SAMPLES. I found a great blend: vanilla rooibos + Himalayan Splendor. Sweet with a bite. ♥

Just realized-- I should just take March 6 though 8 off work to play through Mass Effect 3. You think I'm kidding, but I'm really not. ME is important to me on a level I can't really explain.
luciazephyr: Harry's pentacle, glinting in the bright Chicago night ([DF] unlikely symbols of faith)
Have been working very hard since getting to Florida. Half the point of coming was to get money (I make a full $3 more per hour here than back home) and it'd been rough, but good. I'll be off Monday through Thursday and will likely be going to the beach and writing MoC in that time. I cannot tell ya'll how excited I am about the White Court arc. I mean really. John Marcone, I preemptively apologize to you, honey.

And Florida is so crazy. THEY HAD GELATO AT THE STORE. I BOUGHT SOME. IT WAS DELICIOUS. I feel like I'm either going to lose a ton of weight from working in the heat and barely eating or I'm going to gain a lot because I am turning into a bit of a foodie and this is the only place I can actually get interesting food. They have multiple Whole Foods around here. To a rural Missourian like me, that is very exciting. 8D


I ALSO SHOWED UP HERE RIGHT BEFORE THE LOCAL PRIDE PARADE. This guy, David, invited me along with him, his partner, and their adopted kids. I am so so so so tempted to go but... Grandmum doesn't know I'm gay and I'm not sure I want to tell her. But it's nice to meet someone who's been gay and has good things to show for it. David seems so completely in love and happy, I'm kind of crazy jealous. It's just... nice to sit and talk to someone who gives me a little hope that hey, maybe being gay doesn't completely suck. You know?


Anyway. I saw this on the FList. Doubt anything will come of it, but whatever.

THE FANFICTION LOVE MEME
luciazephyr: Mercutio, intense and dark ([Misc] Queen Mab hath been with you)
Okay, I tried really hard to dodge my depression by drowning it in work, but I have officially failed.

Found out that, yes, I do have to pay that $2000 medical bill that my PCP screwed me into and I missed the student deference program deadline by a few days and will have to pay it all despite the fact I only make at most $500 a month and $400 goes towards bills.

So basically I'm going to go another year living paycheck to paycheck and not having a bank account to speak of because you have to have about $100 to open one in the first place.

Oh, and my first speech assignment was screwed up by Mum because she hit a button she shouldn't have when we were recording.


I'll just be over here listening to Damien Rice and trying not to cry. Fuck.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Allow me to sum up my current mood in .gif form.



LISTEN OKAY

Customers: I KNOW WE ARE SLOW TODAY. Getting pissy with us is only going to slow things down more.

New Order Taking System: You are a buggy piece of shit and randomly locking me out of certain terminals was only funny the first.... OH WAIT IT WAS NEVER FUNNY WAS IT?

Co-Workers: Bitch, mock my accent over the headset private channel again. Do it. I fucking dare you, motherfucker.

One Co-Worker in Particular: OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T WANT FUCKING GRILLED CHICKEN, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? Also, take note about how I ignored you the first five times you asked, "Hey, hey, how do you know they didn't want grilled." Take the fucking hint. When my politesse runs out, I am a rage-filled bitch. Don't push me. I am already on thin ice with everything else going on.

Dear Managers: wow sure is fail in here


It probably didn't help that my grandmother and my aunt are both in the hospital right now and it's just generally been a bad fucking day.


I need a riding crop.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
I am so fucking sick of having to go to bed at sodding 9 PM to get to work at sodding 6 AM. I am so looking for another job. I enjoyed working there but I'm done. I want to spend time with my friends and Mum and be able to leisurely spend my evenings writing, not frantically watching the clock and going, "okay, only one hour to bed, okay can't stay up longer so I must finish this sentence".

Mum is laughing at me and my hatred of mornings. Apparently she totally knew this would be the thing to make me jobhunt again. Yeah yeah, bravo, Mum, you're psychic.

In other news, I'm writing what will eventually be Porn Without Plot. LONG ASS FIC that is also PWP, yeah, because while it is long, it's meandering and I have no idea what the conclusion will be. FML.


Relatedly, I have a google doc titled "characterization notes from the EDAs" which is basically all the passages of the EDAs that I really like copied into a doc. This bit from Coldheart remains my absolute favorite moment I've read yet.

what is it with Doctors and fob watches )

-Lucy

PS: Someone should write a five ways along the lines of Five NuWho Episodes That Would Have Been Totally Different With Eight'n'Fitz. Admittedly, I mostly just want to do "Parting of the Ways" and have Fitz ask, "be honest now, was it a necessary procedure to snog me or were you just having a go?" BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED THIS.
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
ETA: [deletes bullshit] Who cares, bills came, it sucks to be poor, blah blah, IDGAF.


Anyway, yeah. So that happened. I'm gonna go play a game.

-Lucy
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Last few days of work have sucked. Just. Ugh. I keep making little mistakes under pressure which, thankfully my managers never seem to blame me, but I blame me. And it's stressing me out.

Finally slowly working on fic. I only write a little bit a night, but it's better than nothing? Writer's Block is horrendous, but. I'm trying.

Forgot SPN tonight. [bahlettion here] Was too busy reading up on Black Lagoon. Came to the realization I'd die to play Revy in, ah, a certain MGS RP that'll probably not actually get made. But she'd love it in Outer Heaven. In my head, she'd just call it Heaven, only slightly sarcastic. That makes three characters I'd jump to play in said pipedream RP. That in mind, it's probably good said RP hasn't happened. I'm not sure I could juggle Otacon and Washington, let alone those two and Revy.

But it's nice to daydream. It'd be fun just to see a fic using that RP's concept. I find it kinda fascinating. Someone could write the core story to set it up, and others could write, what's the word... deuterocanonial fics with their own AU characters and the way they fit into the world.

That'd be fun. It'd never work, but it'd be fun.

Anyway. I'm off to try to find either some dubbed Black Lagoon or Vol. 2 of the manga. Or maybe just to sleep. Bah.

-Lucy

PS: Just caught some reaction from tonight's SPN. What the fuck, how does that ever make sense?!
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
For no apparent reason, my laptop's power cord died last night. As I lack a battery for it, this means my laptop is effectively useless now until I get a replacement.

:sigh: I'm just going to tell my relatives I don't want anything for Christmas but a power cord and a battery.

Awesome. Basically, I have no idea how much I'll be online now since I'll be sharing Mum's PC.

:sighs: Maybe if my paycheck next week is big enough, I'll be able to pick it up. So much for renewing my LJ subscription. That'll have to wait.


WHAT

NOW IT'S WORKING

... Oh god, what. Y U DO DIS?

-Lucy
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Last night, I completed all the main mission of Brutal Legend. I just have to hunt down the last of the Legend Markers (which tell the amazing and wacky history of the Metal world you're stuck in) and I'll be okay letting to go back to the store.

Oh, Schafer. You may be my One True Developer. I must find a way to get my hands on Grim Fandango after this.

ALSO, beat BL means I will finally get back to work on Repeat to Fade. Whiiiich I haven't touched since I posted part two. LOOK, I WAS DISTRACTED BY METAL OKAY. >.> But, yeah, back to work on that probably tomorrow or tonight.

ALSO ALSO concerning my last post, have a poll:

[Poll #1475686]
Such a group would only be with a few handfuls of people, not open to the general public. It'd require people we trust, so we know who we're sending our games out to. But I think it could be fun and a cool way to cheaply expand out gaming experiences, yanno?

-Lucy
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
So the weather went from really cold to really hot today, right?

I came home from work and there was a SWARM OF WASPS BY THE DOOR!

There were hysterical tears in the car when I retreated, I will admit. jesus I hate those evil creatures

Also, to get Persona 4, I'd have to wait about two weeks and pay ~$40 for it. D8 H-hey [livejournal.com profile] tarastara, would you still be willing to loan me your copy?

-Lucy
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
I'm working 27 hours this week!

Yes, this is a big deal. For one, MONEY! Money helps family. For two, up until now, the longest I've worked is 19 hours.

I get ~*~27~*~ omg.

This is awesome. Would be more awesome if I could, yanno, SLEEP IN MY BED, but whatever.

-Lucy
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
re: that RL thing with mum: they haven't fired her yet. Either she's fine or she'll be abruptly sacked after her business trip. No way of knowing. I'm still barely sleeping at night from fretting, but I've laughed and smiled today, which is a step up. I'm irrationally mad at this for killing my fic writing mojo. I wanna work on RtF (aka: that fic I don't suck horribly at) very very much.

re: distractions are awesome- I have belatedly discovered That Guy With the Glasses.com, home of the Nostalgia Critic, affiliate of the KINDA AWESOME Spoony Experiment, and creator of the Nostalgia Chick. Who I love. To death. The "Ferngully", "Labyrinth", and 10 part "Final Fantasy 8" reviews are totally amazing. ♥ The Chick's Big Lipped Alligator Moment graphic and her slowly eating a banana as "Space Oddity" plays in the bg- she's a genius. I love her.

re: I have money to spend, but am too frugal to impulse buy anything- I found "Disgaea" for the DS for $26.99. I am very, very tempted. It'd be the first new game I'd bough in.... at least five years. Am on the fence on whether to buy it of not. Hrm.

-Lucy
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
I think I'm gonna take that hiatus. At least for a little while.

Meaning I won't be posting for a while and my comments will drop. I'll try to be on aim and I'll keep with my writing. But I just need to chill for a bit.

Remember, ya'll, Cliche Fic Challenge is up at the end of the month. If you need me, email.

Sorry to everyone I've been passive aggressive or just plain aggressive to.

-Lucy

Do you know, I think I realize why I'm such a horrible mun. I can't come out and say what's bothering me. I've been living in a house where my problems and pains and concerns don't matter because I don't contribute to the household enough for warrant that right. Even now that I have a job, I'm still secondary to my mother's needs because I don't bring in enough money yet. I still wait on her and take care of her when she's sick and do as I'm told.

I don't know how to say "I want this."
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
  • Dropped from [livejournal.com profile] omphalotus_rp. I remain enamored by the premise, but it's impossible to enjoy with so few people. My castmates don't seem keen on it anyway either, so. I'll try again at a later date should it pick up some. For now, I'll stick to FM and museboxing.


  • ... Mum's sick again. Headaches and earaches today. She was still in pain when I put her to bed tonight.

    Yanno, it was only a few months ago that I started sleeping with my door open. Nights like this, I'm always afraid of her needing me and my not hearing it because of my door. I get nauseated with worry of what could happen. I won't sleep well tonight.


  • Yikes. Depressing, aren't I? Anyway, I'm writing a lot more lately. Fic with Fly that will hopefully turn out awesome (though I feel like I'm not writing as much as I should be for that one and feel incredibly guilty). Thene convinced me to write mindscrewy VR violence fic for [livejournal.com profile] mgs_slash's Repeat to Fade challenge. If I pull it off, it should be nicely disturbing.


-Lucy
luciazephyr: Book of the Still, the time traveler's lifeline (Default)
Mother's sick again.

She's also on her computer and I think she found my LJ. Which makes me twitch. I hate that 99% of the world doesn't understand fandom and I just want to hide it.

... Kinda wanna go friends only. Is that paranoid? I feel like it alienates people though. I dunno.

Random stir-craziness and depression are fun, aren't they. Especially when they make you feel sick to your stomach.



Seriously considering taking a few days off the internet. But I wanna keep writing that fic with Fly and check on Ella not like I've been doing a good job talking to her lately.

I'm just tired of all this stress.

-Lucy

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