(no subject)

[luciazephyr]

today something happened. something bad enough that I don't feel welcome or safe here anymore. I feel completely trapped. When I was done crying and needed to just be *away* for a while, all I could do was go outside and walk. When I got back, she grabbed my arm and pulled me back in, like bringing me back was some kind of magnanimous thing.

Everyone's acting like nothing happened. But I'm not okay. I don't think I'm going to be okay again.

Comments

[luciazephyr]

Well. For the first time in my life I'm considering antidepressants. I'm apparently reacting wrong to people and driving them away. I was under the impression no one in my family liked me, but it's less that and more of a weird language/intent barrier.

What I do know is that I've lost my joy completely. I don't want to read or write or even play games. I've been playing Skyrim for the last few days and it's not like it's fun, it's just something to kill time with. I feel completely isolated, unwanted, and incapable of doing anything. It's like... I thought the worst it could get was when I couldn't get a job or write or contribute. But now I've also lost the drive to do anything, and it's a brand new low.

[thene]

;_; seriously, go for it, i know several of people who've found that antidepressants made a night-and-day difference (and others for whom they did nothing at all).

you are loved, even where you are not understood. believe it.

[firefly99]

This is a silly and trivial suggestion but maybe don't play a game like Skyrim, which IS a joyless 'just something to do' compulsion-fest? Play something shorter and smaller and more colourful and crazier, like a PS1 Spyro game or something. Right now, I'm emulating Silent Bomber, which is a manic, short, hard Metal Gear Solid pastiche arcade game which might fill the gap in your mind for MGS melodrama without the MGS emotional investment.

Also, for me, St John's Wort worked quicker and more effectively than antidepressants (they may be more expensive depending on what the situation is like in your country). My antidepressants worked but made me feel a bit... weird. SJW made me feel kind of clear and sharp.

Of course, everyone's brain is different, but if you can't get anywhere with conventional antidepressants there are other options.