we can raise cities or raze them, it whispers

Thu, 01 May 2014 18:54:10 GMT

I've had several messages from concerned people wondering what happened to me and given the last few entries on my DW, that's.... valid, probably.

I'm not dead or anything. I'm tumblr user donotchoosesidesyet. I'm in a slew of completely difference fandoms. I'm writing a frankly ridiculous amount of fic for my current fandom. I've got a (shitty low paying) job. I'm still struggling with depression on a day by day process and haven't been on any new medication since the sertraline incident. Daily mundane struggles. But I'm alive and fairly well, so if you worried about that, I apologize.

/brisk wave

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Update the third!

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 23:27:31 GMT

All right hallo hallo

First off, please forgive me for not being as prompt with my replies as I should be. Since the sertraline incident of 2013 (as I am now going to call it), my wiring has been off. I'm very, very weary and having trouble keeping awake/alert. I also haven't been hungry since it happened which... is weird. Yeah. Dunno what's going on there. But the advice and support has been sorely needed, especially yesterday. Yesterday was rough.

Fuck sertraline, basically.

So I went to my doctor to explain everything that happened. He's passing me off to a therapist now because he's literally afraid to prescribe me anything else in case he accidentally kills me. Which is fair, but frustrating. It's going to take a while for me to get to a specialist. But hopefully the ball will get rolling soon.

I still feel like I'm recovering. Sleeping is difficult in the wake of what happened. Gradually getting better, though.

I'll try to reply to some of y'all tomorrow if I feel up to it. I'm sorry for the delay.

Later, gaters.

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TW medical shit gone wrong

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 14:21:32 GMT

Dear diary,

Last night I took my anti-depressants for the first time and felt SUPER HAPPY AMAZING until about 3AM when I almost died and had to go to the emergency room.

I won't go into the details but the moral of the story is that I have a severe reaction to sertraline.

xoxoxo
Lucy

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Hey people, want an update

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 05:01:47 GMT

I have no idea who's even out there anymore? Hello? Is this microphone live?

Anyway.

I am still hellaciously depressed and not handling things well. BUT I did go to a doctor. He's got some medication in mind for me that should apparently help me. I had to get my bloodwork done and cleared first, and the okay came through tonight. I'll be able to pick up the medication tomorrow.

I know that shit won't change overnight, but regardless I'm very hopeful. I've been steadily deteriorating for a while now and something needs to change for me.

Part of the problem is...

So, I don't believe in the afterlife. When someone dies, that's it, that's the end of it. For me, personally, that means when I die... the universe basically ends. Nothing matters. I'm going to be gone and unable to witness it, so what does it matter?

Which leads to what do I matter and i can already feel my heart starting to race thinking about this.

You know that line in Serenity? "Please god make me a stone"? My manta is "please make me a robot" or "let me be immortal."

Death terrifies me, it makes me shake and cry and I don't understand how people seem to function.

So if anyone has any tips on that or knows how I can go about becoming a robot... lemme know.

Until them, I'm just gonna have to hope this medication I'm going to go on helps.

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I haven't posted in a while... (tw: talk about depression, I guess)

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 07:19:19 GMT

I guess I should?

Communication lately feels like throwing a message in a bottle out to sea: ultimately useless as even if you get a response it's going to be too late.

.... yeah this is going to be an ecstatically happy post, can't you tell

But that's sort of where I stand right now. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still in fucking Florida. I still feel like I can't quite keep my head above water. Especially with today, when I learned that Mum's job screwed her so we can't get health insurance until October, which is very, very far away when you're having depressive episodes every night.

The worst of it is that things become impossible to handle late at night (hence this shit getting written at 2:30AM), when everyone is asleep and thus I have to deal with it alone and as quietly as possible.

Writing is very hard, lately. Nothing I do feels good enough to even show my betas, and given I put an dangerous amount of my self-worth into being able to write, it turns into an ugly cycle.

The thing that... really stings the most though is rather understandable, the thing is that I've finally broken down and flat-out told my family that this is happening, that it has been for months, and that I need help

and three weeks later, it's all completely forgotten. We don't talk about it. They make jokes about my difficulties spending time with them. They ask me what my problem is.

I feel like I'm out of bottles. That this is just going to be status quo for the rest of my life.

So that's it. That's me, dealing. Or not, as it were.

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Thu, 27 Dec 2012 02:23:41 GMT

Yesterday I learned that I can build a gaming rig from components in 2.5 hours with no troubleshooting needed.

Today I learned that I cannot fucking install Windows 7 to save my fucking life what the fuck is this shit just fucking INSTALL YOU ASSHOLE.

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So about Cold Days

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 22:57:40 GMT

I ended up doing a liveblog of the entire book on Tumblr. This is the tag for it, with the posts listed in chronological order. I have extremely mixed feelings on the book. In a way, it was my favorite in the series and in a way I want to throw it into a bonfire.

I'm still trying to sort out my opinion on it, but for now, figured I'd share the link.

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Wed, 21 Nov 2012 03:53:57 GMT

I have read the Cold Days spoilers.

....

Whelp.

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FIC: Diplomatic Resolution

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 08:27:16 GMT

Hey guys.

We are not going to talk about the fucking travesty that is the Cold Days sample chapters. ~~I'm doing that enough on Tumblr anyway.~~

Time for some fic. It'll go up with my Amnesty Kink Bingo square. Yep, I still plan on doing a full bingo, even past deadline.

Title: Diplomatic Resolution
Fandom: The Dresden Files, Dresden/Marcone.
Ratings/Warnings: Explicit for sexual content.
Summary: I don’t usually have much of a head for politics, unless it involves abusing loopholes to keep myself un-executed, but I was pretty sure politicking didn’t usually lead to lazing around in bubble baths. (Decadence Square fill for Kink Bingo)

Here at AO3!

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MIX/FIC: five pounds, mad luck, and vertigo

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 22:00:16 GMT

Yeah, I accidentally did more EDA fic.

Whoops.

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Fri, 21 Sep 2012 15:34:20 GMT

I'm not around on the internet lately. If anyone needs me, I still check my email a few times a day. luciazephyr at gmail.

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Tue, 18 Sep 2012 01:07:53 GMT

today something happened. something bad enough that I don't feel welcome or safe here anymore. I feel completely trapped. When I was done crying and needed to just be *away* for a while, all I could do was go outside and walk. When I got back, she grabbed my arm and pulled me back in, like bringing me back was some kind of magnanimous thing.

Everyone's acting like nothing happened. But I'm not okay. I don't think I'm going to be okay again.

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AMA time

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 21:38:52 GMT

My muse is fighting me tooth and claw over this fic I'm supposed to work on for Kink Bingo, so I'm hoping to jumpstart my writing with this.

Ask me anything about my writing or fannishness. Ask me about what happens in a month's time after X fic, or what my strongest headcanon is for Y fandom. Give me a title of something I've never written and I'll tell you the story behind it. Ask me for a Top Five list or an impromptu fanmix or what tea I associate Z with.

Semi-relatedly, I may share the MoC plot outline soon, it's an idea I am toying with to definitively kill that story and move on from it.

Hit me.

/goes to play Skyrim, will answer comments tonight

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someone called me out about it on tumblr so

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 02:47:48 GMT

The Matter of Chicago is postponed indefinitely.

Sorry. But I have too many bad experiences linked to that fic to even look at it anymore. Maybe sometime in the future I'll finish it or post the story outline, but as it is...

I'm genuinely sorry, guys.

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Shameless Self-Indulgence Post: Dresden folk and video games.

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 20:18:02 GMT

I'm gonna just assume everyone who is able has watched PSY's "Gangnam Style" music video. I believe we have here is the apex of global swag levels, the likes of which we will never see again in our lifetimes. I for one am honored to have witnessed this historic moment.

Okay, so I'm sick enough that I'm at the "heat up broth and butter some bread" stage, and I am going to now write about what video games each person in the Dresden Files would play if they all could play video games.

( I'm rather proud of myself for not projecting too hard on anyone here. )

brb need more broth now

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FIC: with apologies to richard siken

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 05:44:01 GMT

oops I tripped and wrote Eighth Doctor Adventure fic.

Title: with apologies to richard siken
Warnings: Some violent imagery.
Summary: Let's say the Devil is played by two men. We'll call them Fitz. (Eight/Fitz. Take-off of Siken’s “You Are Jeff”)

Notes: Thank you to LJ user lelek for the short-notice beta. 8D

Read it at AO3.

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I need a beta. I need a beta hardcore.

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 05:21:37 GMT

Does any Eighth Doctor Adventures fan still follow me?

I need a beta. I need a beta hardcore.

I'm writing a Fitz Kreiner character study in the style of Richard Siken's "You Are Jeff".

5

Let's say the Devil is played by two men. We'll call them Fitz. The one that you left has gone rotten in his middle, soured like milk left out for two thousand years. The other isn't Fitz, but you don't remember that, and that's about the same thing. He plays the role so well. It'd take more than the naked eye to see the faults in the performance, and it's rude to criticize the actor before the curtain's down.

Sit back. Enjoy the show. Wait for intermission.

halp.

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oh yeah I'm a Metal Gear Solid fan, I remember now

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 22:38:09 GMT

I had a really vivid dream about three nights ago about Otacon and Snake getting tossed into a VR machine (why am I so obsessed with those things) by someone who wanted them out of the way but not dead. And the simulation happened to be based on the shit on Otacon's computer. So it randomly loaded up Fallout for them to "play", with beating the game = getting out.

And the original dream ended around there but I'm still thinking about it.

And how it'd reverse the boys' power dynamics (why am I so obsessed with those things). When Snake fumbles around and eventually catches up to Otacon, he's halfway to max level, totting some serious weaponry, and riding around on a nuclear-powered motorcycle. Because he know the game so well, he's metagamed it to hell and back. He's dumped all his points in Small Arms and Science and Repair and Explosives, and he's a fucking terror of the Capitol Wasteland.

And when Snake catches up, he gives him a bottle of Rad-X and a stack of the Big Guns-increasing book items because he's used an exploit to get infinite copies and Snake can ride in the sidecar with the rocket launcher.

I just want that so baaaaad. Snake having to deal with very much not being the weapon of the two of them for once, and Otacon's blasé explanation of the Bethesda's Gamebyro engine and how easy it is to min-max once you understand how it works.

There. Aren't your lives so much better now that you know more about my terrible weaknesses?

~~Also, Snake would be all "unfortunate boner" over Otacon in Wasteland drag.~~

ETA: whoops I accidentally Wanderer!Otacon

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Mon, 16 Jul 2012 16:44:06 GMT

Someone actually asked me to do an update post on my life. I had no idea anyone outside the poor souls I pester incessantly on Twitter cared. So I'll put it under a cut at least.

( Life and fandom update wheeee )

So that's what's happening. Nothing interesting, mostly just emo bullshit. Sorry, folks.

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Kink Bingo Card

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 22:07:45 GMT

humiliation (situational)	wet messy dirty	spaces scenes and settings	pervertibles	pictures
double penetration	bites / bruises	medical kink	shaving / depilation	piercings / needleplay
animal play	object penetration	wildcard	vanilla kink	leather latex rubber
fisting / stretching	teasing	gender play	vehicular	voyeurism
rough body play	painplay (other)	orgies / decadence	sensory deprivation	foot / shoe fetish

/SO EXCITE

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Tue, 26 Jun 2012 16:24:50 GMT

Working on getting a job. Whoop whoop.

Also working on MoC. Whoop whoop.

It will likely have a pre-post to discuss some of the issues of the series. Totally skippable, but figured I'd mention.

I am also contemplating importing the MoC story to Dreamwidth. Because I still legitimately hate LJ and the direction it's continuing down. I could cross post, but TBH I don't want to do that. And I guess most DW users also have LJ accounts. But JFC LJ is awful. Crappy design, much shorter comment and post limits (ask me about the Bakery AU's final post sometimes), and continued Facebook-integration/imitation. IDK, I'm at the point that I think fandom's migrated enough to DW that using it alone is feasible. Especially since DW allows us to import journals and communities now.

But. Obviously don't want to alienate the LJ-only users.

/sulks

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Thu, 14 Jun 2012 14:30:46 GMT

oh god I'm in DC. This is so strange. Trying to remember how to talk to people IRL. More difficult than you'd think.

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Sat, 09 Jun 2012 02:33:02 GMT

oh god I'm going to Washington DC in 5 days. To my first con. Where I will remeet Binz and Cyprinella. And will meet-meet Grene and LGI. And attend panels, including a Dresden panel. Hooooooomygod.

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Why Fitz Kreiner is the Greatest DW Companion You've Never Heard Of

Mon, 21 May 2012 16:25:53 GMT

a follow up to the last post, because Fitzgerald Michael Kreiner is possibly my favorite character in anything ever of all time okay.

"But you’re not my ancestor, are you?" hissed Father Kreiner. "You’re an ersatz version of me, created by the Remote over many years. [...] You’re a fake. You’re a fiction. Truth is, boy, I am the person the Doctor first met, first took from Earth in the TARDIS." He closed his eyes, and the lids fluttered as though he were searching deep in his memory. "I was the young man who went to China with Mao’s army. I wept at the sound of the T’hiili Queen’s song. I saw the double sunrise on Cherantrin V. It was me who travelled with him and ... Samantha? Yes, with him and Sam to Vega Station..."

There was a long pause. Fitz couldn’t think what to say to all this. Couldn’t admit it might be true. Couldn’t speak.

Kreiner’s eyes snapped open again. The Faction monster said, "I am the real Fitzgerald Michael Kreiner."

"And I claim my five pounds."
-The Ancestor Cell, Father Kreiner (original Fitz) vs Clone/'Real' Fitz

Who is Fitz Kreiner... ~~Fitz Kriener is flawless, I hear his guitar is insured for $10,000!~~

Fitz is technically the longest-running companion in the DW series. He's the main companion in the Eighth Doctor Adventures, a series of book that are pretty fucking awesome most of the time. Eight is personally my favorite Doctor thanks to said books, because he's just so damn interesting. But this is about Fitz, not EDA!Eight.

( Yeah, but who IS he? )

Also, Lullabee, someday we should break down and post those Abridged EDAs. Some were pretty fucking funny, I think.

Lance Parkin: OOOOH CAPITALISM, DO ME HARDER.

And for anyone who would like more info on the EDA books, Lullabee and I wrote the TV Tropes page on it (check out the Characters page for a full list of just how fucked up and amazing Fitz is). Not that I'm not still pissed at TV Tropes for their bullshit, but Lull and I wrote those pages, so.

And and if you like the audio adventures, Fitz got a guest spot in the Company of Friends work, and it was written by his creator, Stephen Cole, and while BFA!Eight =/= EDA!Eight, it's a good portrayal of Fitz's character. Besides the accent. Dunno WTF happened there.

AND AND AND if you want the EDA books, the mass majority are seriously out of print, but there are PDFs the fandom circles around. Hit me up and I'll get them for you if you're interested.

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Lucy Update (fic! Florida! Characters I Have Strong FEELS About!)

Sun, 20 May 2012 18:32:40 GMT

1. So I just spent a full week reteaching myself computer information systems and web scripting after the drama of the move wrecked my college, right? And I succeeded (my teacher says he anticipates a huge recovery in my grade from all my catch-up work) for all intents and purposes.

Basically, Saturday was the first day in three solid weeks that I had to myself. No obligations, no moving, nothing to worry about for 24 hours.

So obviously my period decides to arrive that morning and incapacitate me for the duration.

My luck, guys. My fucking luck.

2. I HAVE DISCOVERED JOHN GREEN'S CRASH COURSE: WORLD HISTORY SERIES. oh my gooooood this shit is fascinating as fuck and hilarious and Green's enthusiasm for history makes it VERY easy to learn. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT SNAILS! TELL ME MORE, JOHN GREEN! /chinhands

3. I realized yesterday that I haven't visited LJ to do anything but reply to comments in months. So it's gone from my bookmark bar. Do folks still use LJ? Whyyyyy. Come to DW, it's better in pretty much every way.

4. I am excited for Elementary and the next person to claim they are ripping off BBC Sherlock will be fed to a lion. This summarizes my feelings on the matter well:

A tweet by user peasantings saying "I'm really glad Sir Arthur Conan Doyle came back from the grave, and told Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat 'worry about my brand.'"

Moffat, shut your mouth and go ruin some more female characters or whatever it is you do in your free time.

5. So. Fic. I'm settled in Florida and despite the fact I fucking hate being here and everything about this fucking state (ask my about my grandmother's racism sometime), I am slowly getting back into the swing of writing again. I have a shortish one-shot Dresden fic that is half Binz's fault and half thisfishflies's fault about Harry wearing nail polish.

(Actually it's mostly Binz's fault because if you get her talking about Harry's idealization of femininity, she will give you Ideas about Harry embracing parts of himself he feels he's not allowed to and you will get Feels and it will suck, but seriously, if Binz wants to talk at you about this, let her, it's fascinating and full of feels.)

(Also, the fic is called Hand Jobs, WHICH I WANT TO ESTABLISH WAS BINZ'S IDEA. NOT MINE.)

So that'll eventually get posted. Then it's time for some fucking Matter of Chicago renewal, aaaaw yeeeeah.

6. 100% unrelated to Dresden, I have been slowly writing a Dragon Age: Origins fic that's pretty much me dealing with the game's lack of dealing with issues of anti-elf racism and the fact the City Elf origin revolves around rape and sexual assault. It's not grimdark, but it's pretty serious. Totally unbeta'ed though. For the curious: oh, bring me a love that can sweeten a sword.

7. I don't believe in uppercased letters in titles okay? okay.

8. So on Tumblr for some inexplicable reason there has been a random renaissance of The 10th Kingdom, a miniseries you probably never heard of but it was amazing, okay? It was a post-modern twist on fairy tales and had some really stellar writing and some of the most interesting characters ever. And this 10K renaissance reminded me of my love for the protagonist, Virginia Lewis, and that in turn made me think about the Characters I Have Loved. I came up with four, and I'm going to briefly share them with you under the cut.

( Characters Lucy Has Really Strong Feelings About )

10. Hey, anyone have any advice on getting cheap airplane flights? Or maybe have some coupon codes lying around? Just wondering.

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