Lucy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
luciazephyr) wrote2013-01-30 02:02 am
luciazephyr) wrote2013-01-30 02:02 am
I haven't posted in a while... (tw: talk about depression, I guess)
I guess I should?
Communication lately feels like throwing a message in a bottle out to sea: ultimately useless as even if you get a response it's going to be too late.
.... yeah this is going to be an ecstatically happy post, can't you tell
But that's sort of where I stand right now. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still in fucking Florida. I still feel like I can't quite keep my head above water. Especially with today, when I learned that Mum's job screwed her so we can't get health insurance until October, which is very, very far away when you're having depressive episodes every night.
The worst of it is that things become impossible to handle late at night (hence this shit getting written at 2:30AM), when everyone is asleep and thus I have to deal with it alone and as quietly as possible.
Writing is very hard, lately. Nothing I do feels good enough to even show my betas, and given I put an dangerous amount of my self-worth into being able to write, it turns into an ugly cycle.
The thing that... really stings the most though is rather understandable, the thing is that I've finally broken down and flat-out told my family that this is happening, that it has been for months, and that I need help
and three weeks later, it's all completely forgotten. We don't talk about it. They make jokes about my difficulties spending time with them. They ask me what my problem is.
I feel like I'm out of bottles. That this is just going to be status quo for the rest of my life.
So that's it. That's me, dealing. Or not, as it were.
Communication lately feels like throwing a message in a bottle out to sea: ultimately useless as even if you get a response it's going to be too late.
.... yeah this is going to be an ecstatically happy post, can't you tell
But that's sort of where I stand right now. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still in fucking Florida. I still feel like I can't quite keep my head above water. Especially with today, when I learned that Mum's job screwed her so we can't get health insurance until October, which is very, very far away when you're having depressive episodes every night.
The worst of it is that things become impossible to handle late at night (hence this shit getting written at 2:30AM), when everyone is asleep and thus I have to deal with it alone and as quietly as possible.
Writing is very hard, lately. Nothing I do feels good enough to even show my betas, and given I put an dangerous amount of my self-worth into being able to write, it turns into an ugly cycle.
The thing that... really stings the most though is rather understandable, the thing is that I've finally broken down and flat-out told my family that this is happening, that it has been for months, and that I need help
and three weeks later, it's all completely forgotten. We don't talk about it. They make jokes about my difficulties spending time with them. They ask me what my problem is.
I feel like I'm out of bottles. That this is just going to be status quo for the rest of my life.
So that's it. That's me, dealing. Or not, as it were.
Dealing
Re: Dealing
I actually talked to Mum today. It didn't go really great. Not terrible surprised.
I really appreciate the support, believe me. It still feels like things are not going to get better, but I'm trying to be hopeful.
Re: Dealing