I haven't posted in a while... (tw: talk about depression, I guess)

[luciazephyr]

I guess I should?

Communication lately feels like throwing a message in a bottle out to sea: ultimately useless as even if you get a response it's going to be too late.

.... yeah this is going to be an ecstatically happy post, can't you tell

But that's sort of where I stand right now. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still in fucking Florida. I still feel like I can't quite keep my head above water. Especially with today, when I learned that Mum's job screwed her so we can't get health insurance until October, which is very, very far away when you're having depressive episodes every night.

The worst of it is that things become impossible to handle late at night (hence this shit getting written at 2:30AM), when everyone is asleep and thus I have to deal with it alone and as quietly as possible.

Writing is very hard, lately. Nothing I do feels good enough to even show my betas, and given I put an dangerous amount of my self-worth into being able to write, it turns into an ugly cycle.

The thing that... really stings the most though is rather understandable, the thing is that I've finally broken down and flat-out told my family that this is happening, that it has been for months, and that I need help

and three weeks later, it's all completely forgotten. We don't talk about it. They make jokes about my difficulties spending time with them. They ask me what my problem is.

I feel like I'm out of bottles. That this is just going to be status quo for the rest of my life.

So that's it. That's me, dealing. Or not, as it were.

Comments

Dealing

[aeleolus]

Hi, I know this doesn't help, but I'm so sorry about your mother's job. I don't know what sort of help you're looking for, apart from your family's support (which is also really awful, sorry), but even without insurance, you could maybe get a prescription for citalopram, if that's something that you wanted to do? It's relatively inexpensive(something like fifteen dollars a month) although I know expenses like that can build up. I used to have panic attacks fairly frequently, and I've noticed that my anxiety is a lot better on it. So if that's something you can/want to do, I'd say go for it. I think it's really brave of you to post about this, even if you feel communication isn't getting you anywhere; I dealt with depression for something like two or three years before I even mentioned it to my family, although they obviously had some idea. Just, thank you for being so brave, and please, please know that this won't be the status quo. It's shitty, really shitty, and it might stay shitty for a while, but it won't always be. (Gods, I sound like the fucking 'it gets better' campaign, fuck that shit. Sorry, I'll stop.) .OOOOOO

Re: Dealing

[luciazephyr]

I'm finally going to go to see a GP, though I am very worried about the price. And after a.... very bad episode tonight, I've enlisted a friend to call me daily to make sure I'm okay. So that's something.

I actually talked to Mum today. It didn't go really great. Not terrible surprised.

I really appreciate the support, believe me. It still feels like things are not going to get better, but I'm trying to be hopeful.

Re: Dealing

[aeleolus]

Sounds like you're headed in the right direction!

[kitewithfish]

So, I'm reading this and going into "problem solving mode" which may or may not be what you need. Feel free to disregard the rest of this if you don't feel like you've got enough energy to deal with this.
And, as an offering of distract, I leave this album of a mental lawn dinosaur dressed as the Easter Bunny : http://imgur.com/a/mNcEQ

There are resources for a lot of mental health issues, if you can get in contact with the folks in your area. I don't know your financial situation, but at the very basic level, there are at least hotlines and places you can call when you're dealing with this really heavy shit on your own. Because, that's the thing. You are dealing with functionally (or maybe not) on your own, and that is going to wear you down faster than if you are able to assemble a team to help support you while you're dealing with this. (I am now picturing you shouting "Avengers Assemble" , and that's hilarious, but probably not as easily done as in comic books.) But calling a hotline would indeed be a good place to start- even ones that are set up to deal with people in dire emergencies still like to hear from people who are having trouble- that's what they are for.


And suckily, it really does seem like your family may not able to wrap their heads around the fact that this is serious shit for you. I am so sorry for that- in a perfect world they would be able to make the connection between your account of what's going on with you, and rally around you, but they're not, and that doesn't make your need any less pressing or less important. It just means that now you know that your family is not going to be what helps you out here. Which *sucks*.

But you're not done yet. THIS IS NOT THE STATUS QUO FOREVER.

There's a reason castaways throw messages into the ocean. It gets them off the desert island. Keep throwing. Rescue may not come from the direction you expect, but you can get there.

My email is kitewithfish@gmail.com, if you find yourself sitting up and needing an ear.

[luciazephyr]

There's a reason castaways throw messages into the ocean. It gets them off the desert island. Keep throwing. Rescue may not come from the direction you expect, but you can get there.

That's a very nice sentiment. Thank you.

Today was particularly bad and I'm still tired from it, but I do appreciate the support. I'm trying to be pro-active and deal better, but it's a slow process so far. Especially in Florida, where my resources are mostly mysterious.

[greyeyes]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and especially that your family isn't supportive. My sister is dealing with depression, and my family had to push her to get help. She doesn't talk to me about these things so I'm hoping for the best and letting her know I love her. I think it's awesome that you're talking to a friend and going to see a GP and posting this. I rarely post, but I'm still around if you ever want to talk or if there's anything I can do.

[everbright]

Sorry about, ya-know, everything. I'm still here, I see you on tumblr sometimes, there are definitely people out in here the ocean looking forward to your bottles. And hey, you are trying to do something about it, you're fighting back against your brain! *claps shoulders* Go you!

[lilgoody2sh.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling well. I'm not sure what to do but I hope that you find something that will help you.

Don't worry about running out of bottles. Just keep trying.

Everyone here is rooting for you.

[valoryhope]

I know what you're going through. I've told my mother repeatedly about my depression (and the accompanying side effects), and Every. Single. Time. it's like she's hearing about it for the first time! I've finally resigned myself to the fact that she just doesn't get it and never will. Now, I may mention my lack of energy (for instance) if it's necessary or relevant to a situation, but I no longer bother trying to explain it to her. And when she wonders out loud why I'm always tired, or have so many aches and pains, or take so many pills, I just roll my eyes and tune her out. She's just one of those people who are lucky enough to be in good physical and mental health, and, in addition, have no imagination, so she can't grasp any other state of being. Doesn't mean there's no caring. Though it is very frustrating!

As for the rest of your life, things change. I spent 10 years seeing a doctor who had me on every drug there is for depression...except lithium (which you would think was the most obvious!). Five years ago, a new doctor prescribed lithium for me, and it made a world of difference. (And lithium is very cheap! Though you do need a prescription.)

One last point: depression is worse when you're tired, so try not to stay up too late and get worn down. I tend to lose track of time and get lost on the Internet, esp late at night, and soon my sleep schedule is messed up and everything seems hopeless. If you share this problem, you could set an alarm for bedtime. Also, I believe there's free software you can download that will even *turn your computer off* at a set time--for those fanfic addicts like me, who just can't tear themselves away! Because the world I'm reading about is usually preferable to the "real" world, and I don't want to leave. *sigh* But keep reminding yourself that you'll feel worse if you let yourself get tired out.

If you have insomnia, there are different things a doctor can prescribe, and some are inexpensive. I'm taking Alprazolam--the generic name for Xanax--which does a good job of putting me to sleep, and costs less than $20 a month.

Good luck. I hope things get better for you.