I haven't posted in a while... (tw: talk about depression, I guess)

[luciazephyr]

I guess I should?

Communication lately feels like throwing a message in a bottle out to sea: ultimately useless as even if you get a response it's going to be too late.

.... yeah this is going to be an ecstatically happy post, can't you tell

But that's sort of where I stand right now. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still in fucking Florida. I still feel like I can't quite keep my head above water. Especially with today, when I learned that Mum's job screwed her so we can't get health insurance until October, which is very, very far away when you're having depressive episodes every night.

The worst of it is that things become impossible to handle late at night (hence this shit getting written at 2:30AM), when everyone is asleep and thus I have to deal with it alone and as quietly as possible.

Writing is very hard, lately. Nothing I do feels good enough to even show my betas, and given I put an dangerous amount of my self-worth into being able to write, it turns into an ugly cycle.

The thing that... really stings the most though is rather understandable, the thing is that I've finally broken down and flat-out told my family that this is happening, that it has been for months, and that I need help

and three weeks later, it's all completely forgotten. We don't talk about it. They make jokes about my difficulties spending time with them. They ask me what my problem is.

I feel like I'm out of bottles. That this is just going to be status quo for the rest of my life.

So that's it. That's me, dealing. Or not, as it were.

Comments

[valoryhope]

I know what you're going through. I've told my mother repeatedly about my depression (and the accompanying side effects), and Every. Single. Time. it's like she's hearing about it for the first time! I've finally resigned myself to the fact that she just doesn't get it and never will. Now, I may mention my lack of energy (for instance) if it's necessary or relevant to a situation, but I no longer bother trying to explain it to her. And when she wonders out loud why I'm always tired, or have so many aches and pains, or take so many pills, I just roll my eyes and tune her out. She's just one of those people who are lucky enough to be in good physical and mental health, and, in addition, have no imagination, so she can't grasp any other state of being. Doesn't mean there's no caring. Though it is very frustrating!

As for the rest of your life, things change. I spent 10 years seeing a doctor who had me on every drug there is for depression...except lithium (which you would think was the most obvious!). Five years ago, a new doctor prescribed lithium for me, and it made a world of difference. (And lithium is very cheap! Though you do need a prescription.)

One last point: depression is worse when you're tired, so try not to stay up too late and get worn down. I tend to lose track of time and get lost on the Internet, esp late at night, and soon my sleep schedule is messed up and everything seems hopeless. If you share this problem, you could set an alarm for bedtime. Also, I believe there's free software you can download that will even *turn your computer off* at a set time--for those fanfic addicts like me, who just can't tear themselves away! Because the world I'm reading about is usually preferable to the "real" world, and I don't want to leave. *sigh* But keep reminding yourself that you'll feel worse if you let yourself get tired out.

If you have insomnia, there are different things a doctor can prescribe, and some are inexpensive. I'm taking Alprazolam--the generic name for Xanax--which does a good job of putting me to sleep, and costs less than $20 a month.

Good luck. I hope things get better for you.