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I don't have words for the frustration I feel. I don't know what to think anymore about this disconnect between my writing and school.
Because I'm in college and I'm supposed to be writing a reference report paper on 15 references I've collected for my thesis. Except my thesis is so bland and pointless and says nothing of interest. Why did I pick the public's perceived disconnect between genetics and ethics, because god knows I have less than no opinion on the subject. I just wanted something that fit the theme of Frakenstein (which I still haven't read and have no urge to). Now I think, because this thesis has me literally so uninspired I cannot write a word about it, I have to pick a new thesis altogether. I have no idea what. It's not even the usual "I don't much care about the topic"-- I have literally no opinion to share or interesting insights to offer. There is nothing there.
I want to learn to write in a manner that exceeds what I already do. I am sick of year after year of nonsense reports no one cares about. Do you realize I've been phoning it on my English papers since I started high school? That's not an exaggeration. In fact, the paper I got the biggest praise for was an examination of the themes in Macbeth. A play I skimmed, never read the final act of, and had a generally low opinion of. I completely bullshitted my essay the night before it was due. My teacher adored it and left me glowing praises.
This gets better, right? I will actually start learning shit soon, I hope? Because I can say in complete honesty I have grown more as a writer by experimenting with my fanfic style and attempting to tell a good, solid fannish story than I have from any schooling I've had in my life.
I am so sick of this. It feels like throwing my money away and in total honesty, I cannot afford to throw money away at all.
When do they teach you about creating a new character you know better than yourself? When do they teach that "said" is an invisible word that can be used often without consequence? When do they, fuck, teach basic goddamn sentence flow? The way a story has to have rhythm and cadence, like music? How sometimes it's better to hold back description and use subtle cues to help your reader visualize something? That any scene you write has to serve a purpose in the story either by advancing plot or character development?
Because I learned each and every one of these lessons and none of them from the education system.
Fuck, I am so aggravated.
I keep doing that thing where I put on AF's "Windowsill" and want to beat my fists against the wall along with the drums and just scream the lyrics. Without music I would be a fucked up mess curled up on the floor.
mtv what have you done to me?
save my soul, set me free
set me free, what have you done to me?
I can't breathe, I can't see
world war three, when are you coming for me?
been kicking up sparks, so set the flames free
the windows are locked now, so what'll it be?
your house on fire? or the rising sea?
why is the night so still? why did I take that pill?
because I don't wanna see it at my windowsill
Because I'm in college and I'm supposed to be writing a reference report paper on 15 references I've collected for my thesis. Except my thesis is so bland and pointless and says nothing of interest. Why did I pick the public's perceived disconnect between genetics and ethics, because god knows I have less than no opinion on the subject. I just wanted something that fit the theme of Frakenstein (which I still haven't read and have no urge to). Now I think, because this thesis has me literally so uninspired I cannot write a word about it, I have to pick a new thesis altogether. I have no idea what. It's not even the usual "I don't much care about the topic"-- I have literally no opinion to share or interesting insights to offer. There is nothing there.
I want to learn to write in a manner that exceeds what I already do. I am sick of year after year of nonsense reports no one cares about. Do you realize I've been phoning it on my English papers since I started high school? That's not an exaggeration. In fact, the paper I got the biggest praise for was an examination of the themes in Macbeth. A play I skimmed, never read the final act of, and had a generally low opinion of. I completely bullshitted my essay the night before it was due. My teacher adored it and left me glowing praises.
This gets better, right? I will actually start learning shit soon, I hope? Because I can say in complete honesty I have grown more as a writer by experimenting with my fanfic style and attempting to tell a good, solid fannish story than I have from any schooling I've had in my life.
I am so sick of this. It feels like throwing my money away and in total honesty, I cannot afford to throw money away at all.
When do they teach you about creating a new character you know better than yourself? When do they teach that "said" is an invisible word that can be used often without consequence? When do they, fuck, teach basic goddamn sentence flow? The way a story has to have rhythm and cadence, like music? How sometimes it's better to hold back description and use subtle cues to help your reader visualize something? That any scene you write has to serve a purpose in the story either by advancing plot or character development?
Because I learned each and every one of these lessons and none of them from the education system.
Fuck, I am so aggravated.
I keep doing that thing where I put on AF's "Windowsill" and want to beat my fists against the wall along with the drums and just scream the lyrics. Without music I would be a fucked up mess curled up on the floor.
mtv what have you done to me?
save my soul, set me free
set me free, what have you done to me?
I can't breathe, I can't see
world war three, when are you coming for me?
been kicking up sparks, so set the flames free
the windows are locked now, so what'll it be?
your house on fire? or the rising sea?
why is the night so still? why did I take that pill?
because I don't wanna see it at my windowsill