been working for the church while your life falls apart

[luciazephyr]

I don't have words for the frustration I feel. I don't know what to think anymore about this disconnect between my writing and school.

Because I'm in college and I'm supposed to be writing a reference report paper on 15 references I've collected for my thesis. Except my thesis is so bland and pointless and says nothing of interest. Why did I pick the public's perceived disconnect between genetics and ethics, because god knows I have less than no opinion on the subject. I just wanted something that fit the theme of Frakenstein (which I still haven't read and have no urge to). Now I think, because this thesis has me literally so uninspired I cannot write a word about it, I have to pick a new thesis altogether. I have no idea what. It's not even the usual "I don't much care about the topic"-- I have literally no opinion to share or interesting insights to offer. There is nothing there.

I want to learn to write in a manner that exceeds what I already do. I am sick of year after year of nonsense reports no one cares about. Do you realize I've been phoning it on my English papers since I started high school? That's not an exaggeration. In fact, the paper I got the biggest praise for was an examination of the themes in Macbeth. A play I skimmed, never read the final act of, and had a generally low opinion of. I completely bullshitted my essay the night before it was due. My teacher adored it and left me glowing praises.

This gets better, right? I will actually start learning shit soon, I hope? Because I can say in complete honesty I have grown more as a writer by experimenting with my fanfic style and attempting to tell a good, solid fannish story than I have from any schooling I've had in my life.

I am so sick of this. It feels like throwing my money away and in total honesty, I cannot afford to throw money away at all.

When do they teach you about creating a new character you know better than yourself? When do they teach that "said" is an invisible word that can be used often without consequence? When do they, fuck, teach basic goddamn sentence flow? The way a story has to have rhythm and cadence, like music? How sometimes it's better to hold back description and use subtle cues to help your reader visualize something? That any scene you write has to serve a purpose in the story either by advancing plot or character development?

Because I learned each and every one of these lessons and none of them from the education system.

Fuck, I am so aggravated.

I keep doing that thing where I put on AF's "Windowsill" and want to beat my fists against the wall along with the drums and just scream the lyrics. Without music I would be a fucked up mess curled up on the floor.

mtv what have you done to me?
save my soul, set me free
set me free, what have you done to me?
I can't breathe, I can't see
world war three, when are you coming for me?
been kicking up sparks, so set the flames free
the windows are locked now, so what'll it be?
your house on fire? or the rising sea?
why is the night so still? why did I take that pill?
because I don't wanna see it at my windowsill

Comments

[samjohnsson]

Honestly? I didn't have a class that addressed what you're describing until one of my PhD English core classes.

And I completely hear you on the Thesis/Diss. angst. I look at my topic and occasionally think "who the hell cares". But since I'm ABD, it's way too late to change to a different sequence.

[luciazephyr]

Are you kidding? I mean, what the fuck do they teach you pre-PhD? What about saps like me that'll be lucky to afford a BA?

I... Oh god, I'm having this massive fatalist moment because I keep just going why am I doing this. I am not learning anything and I am so sick of it. Writing is literally the only thing I am halfway decent at, I need to get good at it if I'm going to do anything with my life.

[samjohnsson]

Do you have any electives left in your plan to take, so that you can do something completely different for a semester? Cause it really sounds like you need a sabbatical.

[luciazephyr]

I've barely STARTED college. This is just EngComp2, AKA the same class I've taken for my entire school career over and over and over.

It's a little early in my college career to be wonder wtf it's all for, I think. I just want to write, and learn to write better. I've been consistently putting out crazy amounts of fic for months now, I can do this for long periods. It feels like this is what I'm meant to be doing, I just...

I don't even know.

[samjohnsson]

Oh, Comp 2? Forget *everything* said and replace with the following:

You have to keep in mind, you already know how to write at a pretty impressive level. There are peers in that class that find the writing level expected to be a complete challenge. Get through it, even if it means gritting your teeth, and use your electives to take any every Creative Writing class your uni offers - that way, you can find out.

[luciazephyr]

I know. I know, I know. It just seems like I'm giving them money to make me write crap neither myself not my teacher cares about. It's idiotic.

I need to just come up with a thesis I can bullshit about for a few pages. :sighs:

Thank you for letting me vent at you. I appreciate it.

[samjohnsson]

So it's said, love? I've been on the other side of that classroom. If you can find a topic you care about, write about it. It's much appreciated to find a paper that's worth reading.

What are the restrictions on topic? Need help brainstorming?

[luciazephyr]

At the start of the course, we had to pick from a limited selection of books. The one I wanted, I couldn't get a copy of, so I switched to Frankenstein. For the final paper, I have to write about an issue brought up or related to the book, well-researched and thought out. A few weeks ago, my teacher wanted my topic, so I picked the aforementioned ethics vs genetics thing because... I have no idea. I made up the topic because I didn't care. I was, at the time, too busy writing another paper comparing the metafictional elements of Stranger Than Fiction and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

... I now remember I was so desperate to LEARN SOMETHING ANYTHING FROM THIS CLASS that I openly asked her to rip apart my metafiction essay and give me any and all advice she could because by god I want to come away from this class better than I went in. That was weeks ago. No response yet. :sighs:

[samjohnsson]

Then I hate to tell you, she's either too focused on the students who need help...or she's not a good teacher.

What're you wanting to get a degree in? Cause even though it's been a long decade since I've read it, there's still dozens of themes in Shelley's work.

[luciazephyr]

I have no idea. I'm undeclared because, again, outside writing, I have no real talents.

I dunno. Are there any interesting things in the narrative? Like, strange use of tropes or... IDK, maybe I can use the book to write a paper on women writers in fiction and the glass ceiling with serious fiction being done by women?

[samjohnsson]

She actually did break through several ceilings by her success with it. And it's hard to discuss tropes in it when it was the trope-namer for a whole genre of writing. Maybe if you can get access to her biographies and or personal writings (find a reference librarian), you might be able to write something on her writing process. Or see what else was being written in SciFi, especially by women, at that point and comp/cont themes and methods.

[luciazephyr]

That.... okay, those sound like something I can really give a damn about and write something for.

I think I'll email my teacher, explain my situation, and ask if such a thesis change would be allowed.

also?

[samjohnsson]

I'm undeclared because, again, outside writing, I have no real talents my first-discovered talent is writing, and I haven't found the others yet.

^.-

Re: also?

[luciazephyr]

Well, here's hoping I find another talent outside "speak fluent Trope" and "see homosexual subtext everywhere." And soon.

Re: also?

[samjohnsson]

Does your school offer creative writing classes?

Re: also?

[luciazephyr]

It looks like there is one elective course for it. Trouble is, I'm an online student because campus is far away and I have to work to pay the mortgage. If next year the course is available online, I will take it.

[thene]

Writing is literally the only thing I am halfway decent at, I need to get good at it if I'm going to do anything with my life.

Honestly, how do you know? With most things, you don't know how good you are at them until you've tried, and with different fields of Actual Work That Pays Money, you don't get a chance to try except by getting yourself dropped into them.

I got my BA in the History and Philosophy of Science three years ago and I didn't find out until late last year/early this year that the field I'm good at workwise is seemingly bookkeeping/accounting/fiddling around with other people's money. I don't know exactly what to do about this, either - maybe sneak in via some admin route and then worry about getting a real accountancy qualification once I'm settled-down enough to handle it? I really have no idea. Though I'm sure having a BA will help me along the way.

And that is generally true - slogging through a BA will help you get into other things. Honestly the US system seems horrible to me - tons of compulsory classes that shouldn't be necessary if you have any faith in the high school system (hah!) Why teach generalised stuff that's pretty much the same level as high school at a college? I am le confused.

Though I hope you've read this. And this. (I caught a related segment on the Daily Show a few months back, too...)

If you know that the only thing you want to learn about is writing then maybe you shouldn't be doing a BA at all, but taking a writing course instead? Generalised education is expensive as hell and it sounds like you want to get into a field where you don't need a BA (there's no barriers to entry when it comes to writing and the only benefit of creative writing BAs is networking and industry knowledge, which can be come by other ways anyhow).

I have a friend in the UK who did an Open University writing course just for the hell of it and got a lot out of it, and is trying to start getting short stories published now. Their introductory fiction class is about $500 for US residents. (OU are, like, the granddaddy of distance learning - public-funded and decades-old, and before there was an internet their course lectures always used to be televised on BBC2 in the little hours so students could record them and watch them the next day; unfortunately their more advanced writing courses aren't available outside Europe.)

[luciazephyr]

I used articles like those to make sure Mum didn't hook up with fucking University of Phoenix. I had no idea they were that evil though. Wow.

That Open University thing, that looks amazing. I am going to see if that's maybe the sort of thing I can use FAFSA money for because I'd be completely thrilled to try a course like that. I'm, like, goggling at it right now. Thank you for that link, seriously.