"Rachel, Rachel, Rachel," Keith says, resting his elbows on the table. He's definitely drunk, and almost as if to prove the point, he props his chin up on his hands and looks at Rachel intently.
"Keith," she says, and she has to look away. The slightly glazed look in his eyes reminds her of a lovelorn teenage girl, and she tries to tell herself it's just the alcohol.
"Y'know, Rach," he says, but nothing more is immediately forthcoming.
"I don't think I do, Keith," she says, and it's not every day she has trouble dragging words out of Keith Olbermann.
"I wrote Dan a Valentine. 'Pickle' rhymes with 'Dick Trickle.'"
She laughs at that, a snort that makes the bubbles from her club soda do terrible things to her nose. "That's not a Valentine, Keith. That's a limerick, like the girl from Nantucket."
"There once was a girl from Nantucket," he begins, grinning like he's about to call out Bill O'Reilly.
"Please don't," Rachel interrupts, holding up a hand to stop him.
"The point is," Keith says, switching gears, "you're better looking than Dan."
"That's the alcohol speaking, but thank you anyway."
"No, no, I mean it. So, because you are better looking than Dan, I have a proposal for you."
"Are we going to give Dan a makeover?" She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. For their combined knowledge of cosmetics, Dan would come out looking like Bozo the clown.
"Marry me," Keith says, and suddenly he is stone-cold sober with absolute clarity in his eyes.
Rachel takes a sip of her club soda, though her instinct is to down the rest of Keith's drink instead. "Do I have to sleep with you?" she asks, trying to keep it light. The ice cubes in her drink rattle against the glass.
"Is that a deal-breaker?" he asks.
"I think it might be, yeah. Just a little." A small smile. A sip of club soda. She wishes he'd stop looking at her.
He sits there, and she can tell he is actually considering it, giving it the amount of thought he fails to give any number of other things.
"Okay," Rachel says, because she just wants him to stop thinking. "I think I know how to make this work: you need to pray away my gay."
He blinks at her.
"No, no, I mean it," she says, echoing his words from earlier. "If you and Pat sit down together, maybe you can do it. If you can make me straight, then I will marry you. No questions asked, no terms and conditions. We won't even have to worry about whether or not I have to sleep with you, because I'll be straight, right?"
"But I like your gay," he protests. And then he makes a face. "Me and Pat?"
Rachel laughs. "Now I know you're hammered. You just said 'Me and Pat?'"
"Pat and I," he corrects. He takes a sip of his drink and crosses his arms. "I don't want Pat thinking about your gay."
"Oh," Rachel says, and she means 'ew.' This time, she does take a sip of Keith's drink. "I don't want Pat thinking about it, either. That's upsetting."
"You know he has a big collection of lesbian porn."
"Stop it."
"I'm just saying, Rach," he says, taking his drink back. He raises it in a mock toast. "It's probably bigger than yours."
"That is categorically untrue. I do not have a lesbian porn collection; I don't even own a TV." She waits until Keith tilts his glass to take a drink. "I use the Internet."
He chokes.
She grins. "So, speaking of porn, tell me more about Dick Trickle..."
God, this is wonderful. Go post this somewhere for everyone to see, now.
How are these two always so painfully sweet? :3
Why can't she be straight?! I know it's awesome because, yay, I have a hot funny smart lesbian to lust over, but... marriage! oh em gee. So fricken adorable.
why am i not sleeping? oh, right, eddie izzard on youtube
*whimpers* Dammit Keith. Dammit Rachel. Just get a place together. There doesn't have to be sex. There can just be a mostly-platonic pair of best friends growing old and yet steadily more awesome together.
I'm picturing Keith and Rachel sitting in matching rockers on their porch. She has a laptop and is blogging. He is waving his cane and yelling "GET OFF MY LAWN!" at the neighbor kids.
You have made this sucktastic day SO MUCH BETTER, not only purely through you existing, but also in writing this most excellent piece of fiction which caused me to laugh out loud in the computer lab and not be able to stop.
Also, the mental image of Pat and Keith getting together to try and pray away Rachel's gay (try saying that out loud three times fact) is hilarious.
I just have this vision of Keith showing up with appetizers and being like, okay, I'm only doing this because Rachel told me to, maybe we should have something to drink first? And Pat staring at him like Keith is a crazy man.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
regna
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 12:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 12:34 am (UTC)HE WILL TAKE THE MANLOVE AWAY
BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU (BUT NOT IN THAT WAY)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 01:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 01:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 01:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 01:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 01:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 01:56 am (UTC)"Marry me?"
"Uh.... do I have to sleep with you?"
"... This is an important question. Can I get back to you?"
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 02:08 am (UTC)I'm sure Keith would be open to negotiation on that point.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 03:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 03:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 03:24 am (UTC)So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 05:34 am (UTC)"Keith," she says, and she has to look away. The slightly glazed look in his eyes reminds her of a lovelorn teenage girl, and she tries to tell herself it's just the alcohol.
"Y'know, Rach," he says, but nothing more is immediately forthcoming.
"I don't think I do, Keith," she says, and it's not every day she has trouble dragging words out of Keith Olbermann.
"I wrote Dan a Valentine. 'Pickle' rhymes with 'Dick Trickle.'"
She laughs at that, a snort that makes the bubbles from her club soda do terrible things to her nose. "That's not a Valentine, Keith. That's a limerick, like the girl from Nantucket."
"There once was a girl from Nantucket," he begins, grinning like he's about to call out Bill O'Reilly.
"Please don't," Rachel interrupts, holding up a hand to stop him.
"The point is," Keith says, switching gears, "you're better looking than Dan."
"That's the alcohol speaking, but thank you anyway."
"No, no, I mean it. So, because you are better looking than Dan, I have a proposal for you."
"Are we going to give Dan a makeover?" She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. For their combined knowledge of cosmetics, Dan would come out looking like Bozo the clown.
"Marry me," Keith says, and suddenly he is stone-cold sober with absolute clarity in his eyes.
Rachel takes a sip of her club soda, though her instinct is to down the rest of Keith's drink instead. "Do I have to sleep with you?" she asks, trying to keep it light. The ice cubes in her drink rattle against the glass.
"Is that a deal-breaker?" he asks.
"I think it might be, yeah. Just a little." A small smile. A sip of club soda. She wishes he'd stop looking at her.
He sits there, and she can tell he is actually considering it, giving it the amount of thought he fails to give any number of other things.
"Okay," Rachel says, because she just wants him to stop thinking. "I think I know how to make this work: you need to pray away my gay."
He blinks at her.
"No, no, I mean it," she says, echoing his words from earlier. "If you and Pat sit down together, maybe you can do it. If you can make me straight, then I will marry you. No questions asked, no terms and conditions. We won't even have to worry about whether or not I have to sleep with you, because I'll be straight, right?"
"But I like your gay," he protests. And then he makes a face. "Me and Pat?"
Rachel laughs. "Now I know you're hammered. You just said 'Me and Pat?'"
"Pat and I," he corrects. He takes a sip of his drink and crosses his arms. "I don't want Pat thinking about your gay."
"Oh," Rachel says, and she means 'ew.' This time, she does take a sip of Keith's drink. "I don't want Pat thinking about it, either. That's upsetting."
"You know he has a big collection of lesbian porn."
"Stop it."
"I'm just saying, Rach," he says, taking his drink back. He raises it in a mock toast. "It's probably bigger than yours."
"That is categorically untrue. I do not have a lesbian porn collection; I don't even own a TV." She waits until Keith tilts his glass to take a drink. "I use the Internet."
He chokes.
She grins. "So, speaking of porn, tell me more about Dick Trickle..."
Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 05:43 am (UTC)How are these two always so painfully sweet? :3
Why can't she be straight?! I know it's awesome because, yay, I have a hot funny smart lesbian to lust over, but... marriage! oh em gee. So fricken adorable.
why am i not sleeping? oh, right, eddie izzard on youtube
Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 10:53 pm (UTC)Happy? :P
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 05:33 pm (UTC)Bonus for Dick Fuckin' Trickle!
Fabu ficlet! ♥
Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 10:54 pm (UTC)02.) I'm glad you enjoyed the fic!
Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 05:56 pm (UTC)Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 10:55 pm (UTC)Yes. This. Please. Can't you just see the two of them as crabby geezers?
Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-10 02:31 am (UTC)Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 06:43 pm (UTC)And thanks to Lucy for pointing it out! xoxo
Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 06:45 pm (UTC)*draws hearts and stars around this line*
Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 10:59 pm (UTC)Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 06:53 pm (UTC)Re: So it's 1:35, not midnight. Oh well.
Date: 2008-09-09 09:56 pm (UTC)Also, the mental image of Pat and Keith getting together to try and pray away Rachel's gay (try saying that out loud three times fact) is hilarious.
I just have this vision of Keith showing up with appetizers and being like, okay, I'm only doing this because Rachel told me to, maybe we should have something to drink first? And Pat staring at him like Keith is a crazy man.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 01:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 02:04 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-09 02:13 am (UTC)But he didn't say vigilance. D: