oh god I am not writing this I swear

[luciazephyr]

Further proof I should not be allowed on Twitter because I ramble...

Why hasn't someone written a Dresden Files AU with Harry as a baker? Because it would so work.

See, Harry owns a coffeeshop/bakery combo. It is the best food in town. People are convinced Harry is a wizard of some sort, his food is so good. Bob is his sous chef, and Harry does his best to keep him in the back because otherwise he hits on everyone in the store.

Murphy and Michael are his most regular customers. Murphy teaches at the martial arts studio down the block and needs the carbs after her long day of kicking ass. Michael buys in bulk for his family and his church, so his purchases and commissions alone cover Harry's expenses. 8D Maybe Molly cashiers a few days a week as her first job.

And Marcone is obviously a sleek, ruthless corporate lawyer (probably the head of the firm) who becomes more than a little enamored by Harry's phenomenal cooking. So he tries to hire Harry as his personal cook, but Harry turns him down. So he keeps coming in, trying to convince Harry, having expensive ingredients delivered, hitting on him all the time.

AND HIS DAUGHTER IS IVY. Come on, we all want father!Marcone in fic. She is his prodigy daughter who enjoys Harry's cupcakes very much and sits with her bodyguard Kincaid in the shop after school until her father shows up to take her home.

And Susan still a reporter and keeps showing up, claiming to be writing a column on Harry's shop but seems to be just flirting with him. OR MAYBE SHE IS JUST AFTER HIS SCONES. SCANDAL!


Someone please write this, I don't have the time to. BUT COME ON! Harry as a tall awkward baker who turns everything he touches into yummy awesomeness and everyone wants a piece of him, but he just wants to run his little shop, thanks.

HARRY. IN AN APRON. BEING ADORABLE. AND HIT ON BY EVERYONE WHO WANTS HIS FINE ASSBAKED GOODS.

Comments

[polarisnorth]

I love crack AUs. I always love crack AUs. Dresden Files is one of those fandoms where I have a hard time picturing them because what makes everyone who they are is so specific to the setting of that world -- but I would totally read the hell out of this.

[luciazephyr]

lightgetsin has got me pretty determined to write it, if only for all the joyous fun Lawyer!Marcone would be. He's so dark and mysterious and leaves massive tips! Everyone whispers about how he was consigliere for one of the Five Families in New York! He buys Harry a bunch of flours (get it?), like buckwheat and barley and whole grain, and makes orgasmic noises when Harry lets him taste test new baking experiments.

AND IVY. Ivy, sitting there all prim and proper then squeeing over the kitty cat cupcakes Harry sets out. The immediately goes back to miming violining, to practice for a recital.

And BOB! Who would be human!Bob, and obviously look like TV!Bob, and Harry cannot decide if he should always have Bob work the front of the store (sexy British accent = slight but noticeable increase in sales) or hide him in the back (where he can't sexually harrass everyone).

And in my head, Susan is She Who Must Not Be Named, who dated Harry for a while, then published one of his secret recipes in her column without asking. Now every bakery in Chicago makes the Dresden Scone Special and he's very bitter about it. 8(


I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO WORK THOMAS IN THOUGH.

[polarisnorth]

Clearly Thomas is still his ridiculously hot half brother, and Harry's mother had a thing with Thomas' father when she was barely legal and it was extremely ill advised and he was a total creeper and schemed to get custody of Thomas when he found out she was pregnant, so after that she fled to the other side of the country; Thomas grew up in an extremely fucked up household before he finally managed to get away, and it was years before he found out he had a brother, but the one good thing to come out of Susan's publishing his recipe was that Thomas ran across it and tracked him down.

:D?

I would seriously offer a limb to get to beta this.

[luciazephyr]

OH MAN that could be so sweet! Like, this handsome model guy suddenly shows up, "I just came from Los Angeles, I think we're half-brothers, hello!"


I would seriously offer a limb to get to beta this.

I am going to make you live to regret saying that. As soon as I finish Book One of my epicfic, this is so happening. I'll write this silly little crackfic and the Marcone POV interlude before getting into Book Two.

:cackles:

[polarisnorth]

And everybody else in the room is pretending not to notice that Marcone looks like he wants to knife this guy.

No, it will be totally awesome! And eee, I can't wait til you finish Book One, because then I can sit down and read the whole thing at once -- I'm freakish about WIPs, and as fast as you post I would still be going up the walls waiting for new parts if I read it as it came out. And I really want to read it. I'm just kind of OCD, and I also prefer to read long fic all in a go.

[luciazephyr]

OH GOD I WANT TO WRITE THAT. Harry's monologue would be MORTIFIED. "Great, now the former Mafia lawyer who thought we were dating looked ready to kill the half-brother I'd known all of ten minutes."

That's exactly why I'm separating the fic out into Book One and Book Two (and possibly Book Three, IDK). This way people who wanna read but dislike WIPs can have a definite start and definite end, though the story itself isn't over.

[polarisnorth]

IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY. Man, Murphy must give him such shit about the whatever-it-is he has with Marcone.

I reaaaally appreciate that. Do you keep it all in one doc? 'Cos if you do you could PDF it once the first book is complete.

[luciazephyr]

Also, I have this vivid image of Marcone lurking in the shop after closing, trying out Harry's new recipes, and when they're done, Harry goes to take off his apron and Marcone sidles up behind him, "Let me," and unknots it, theeeeen pushes Harry against the nearest wall and they have flithy, friction-tastic sex against the wall.

Someone actually said that I needed to upload Book One to AO3 because that way they can have a PDF of the thing for their Kindle. So I'll be doing that. 8D

[polarisnorth]

Are you kidding? Harry would never let him have sex near where he prepares food. Or where his customers eat the food. But he probably lives above the shop; Marcone would get as far as getting the apron off and having serious makeouts and groping, and then Harry pushes him off and drags Marcone up the stairs by his tie and then they end up having sex against the door of his apartment.

Yesssss! \o/

[luciazephyr]

Good point. And I'd be deeply amused if they manage to get inside the apartment only to make as far as the floor. Maybe because I have an affection for Harry's decorating style. All those overlapping rugs and stuff, heh.

Ffffff then Marcone goes to leave and Harry is all "D8 I feel used," and John shushes him, "I have a daughter, Harry, I can't stay over. Please don't take it personal. If I could, I would stay and enjoy a repeat performance in the morning."

[polarisnorth]

Ouch, rugburn. Though really, I honestly think Marcone would just do him against the door.

Hah, and then when Marcone gets home Ivy probably scolds him for leaving, pointing out that she has a perfectly good bodyguard and can be left alone for one night. She is a genius, after all. Or he could have invited Harry back; it's not as if they don't have plenty of room, honestly, father.

[luciazephyr]

I know there is a Rule of Cool. Is there a Rule of Sexy? Because that would dictate against-the-door frantic grabby hot sex. :nods:

ffff She totally tells him off for not being polite and staying, because he's drilled politesse into her very well. Also, if John invited Harry back, he could have made them delicious breakfast. God, Father, you're supposed to be a pragmatic thinker. Way to disappoint.

[polarisnorth]

Apparently there is. Oh, TV Tropes, never change. Damn, and I was totally going to go to bed, too.

YES. And Ivy is also like, I know you know about the trouble he's had in relationships; you may have said you would have liked to say but he probably didn't believe you and John is like, I am not having this conversation with you, why do you know that. Oh, and Gard is probably their head of security as well as Marcone's personal bodyguard when necessary and is listening to this and being TOTALLY AMUSED in a completely deadpan way.

[luciazephyr]

ffff Ivy knowing Harry's history because clearly John used his contacts in the CPD to do a background check on Harry. And you know Bob takes every opportunity to tell John all about Harry. If the boss gets laid, he'll be less bitchy to Bob, after all.

... So Kincaid and Gard working together. Um. Yes? Please? :spontaneously ships it:

[polarisnorth]

No, that's why John knows Harry's history. Ivy knows it because she got it out of him, and Murphy, and Michael, and maybe even Bob, in little bits and pieces. Which is why Ivy makes the connection with abandonment issues when Marcone's probably thinking along the lines of "had a bad last relationship, should take it slow."

Um, yes, obviously. I totally ship it.

[luciazephyr]

:laughs: Oh god when she tries to tell him off about this, John gets all frowny. "No. You are ten. You are unaware of sex's existence. You believe in the stork." Because NO. Ivy is his little girl, dammit.

[polarisnorth]

And because she's a genius, she doesn't respond to that with, "I can use the internet, dad," but she definitely thinks it.

She probably sideswipes him by pointing out that as far as she can tell, Harry is used to people always leaving, and why should he think John is any different, especially after Susan? Then she tells him to just watch how Harry acts tomorrow at the bakery. (In the background, Gard and Hendricks make a bet on the outcome of this.)

[luciazephyr]

And OF COURSE Harry is all sullen and gives John this big pining look, then acts like a catty jerk, telling John, no, you can't have a hazelnut soy latte, we're out of hazelnut. And soy. And coffee.

[polarisnorth]

I'm torn between thinking he would do that, because I can totally see it, and thinking that he wouldn't want to give John the satisfaction of seeing him be petty about it, and instead he just gives him his food and doesn't say anything, whereas they usually spend the entire time John's there bantering back and forth in between Harry serving customers.

[luciazephyr]

Awwww, and John tries to hang around and catch him, but Harry goes to the back to cook and lets Bob run the front of the store for a while. Then he has to admit his ten year old daughter was right and how humiliating is that?

[polarisnorth]

And Harry won't make eye contact, which is a really bad sign because John is one of the few people that he usually does make eye contact with, and why didn't he realize there was probably something up with that?

[luciazephyr]

It's all very sad and puts John in the rare fic-position of having fucked up with Harry, which I liiiiike. IDK how he'd fix it. Maybe he sneaks away to Harry's apartment and sits outside the door, waiting for him to show up?

[polarisnorth]

Either he shows up at the bakery before closing and resolutely refuses to leave, or Harry closes early out of sheer fucking misery before he can and John calls him from the street outside and is like "Come home with me." And, well, homes are important to Harry; being invited in is important. (I like finding ways to work transmuted bits of canon in, like with the eyes thing.)

[luciazephyr]

Oh god we are so writing about Harry the Wonder Baker and his TruLuv the evil Lawyer/Single Dad. It's going to be great. But I need to sleep now. Goodnight!

[polarisnorth]

I have like fifteen tabs open now because of the Rule of Sexy page. Dammit. But. Yes. WE WILL TALK ANON.