(no subject)
Jul. 16th, 2012 12:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
luciazephyrSomeone actually asked me to do an update post on my life. I had no idea anyone outside the poor souls I pester incessantly on Twitter cared. So I'll put it under a cut at least.
So, I'm still in Florida. And despite putting in applications everywhere, am jobless. And should honestly be putting in for college.
But it's been... very difficult lately for me emotionally. I started doing this thing where I'd take a nap just so I would have to deal with how sad I was feeling. Crying every once in a while, and just feeling lonely and isolated and unwelcome. I don't really have a space to myself in the apartment, and my grandmother has certain habits that continuously make me feel like I'm part of the mess in her home. So. That's been a thing. I didn't really notice it until a friend pointed out "hey, brosis, you sound kinda depressed, maybe do something about that." Now I'm at least aware that I may be depressed.
I know precisely why I'm depressed though, so if I can work and get any of the seven or eight things wrong with my situation fixed, I'd probably feel a lot better, if only because I'll feel less impotent. I want to have a job so I can save money to GTFO of Florida, so I need to work on that. I want to find a non-shitty FL school to sign up for, so I need to figure out the logistics of that (which is even more complicated than you'd think-- I'm an out of state student, so my tuition is on average three times what it should be). I want to fucking write something, so I need to do that. Not writing in particular makes me want to scream. Like, okay, bravo, you have something you're not terrible at, but if you only have the one thing you can do, when you can no longer do it, it's fucking devastating. It's ridiculous, but whenever I sit with a GDoc open and don't put anything new into it, I always think well, then what are you good for.
Mum initially blew me off when I tried to tell her about all this, saying it's because I'm inside too much and the lack of sun is making me sad. Uh huh. Later, I tried again, and she's more sympathetic. Upon explaining the writing thing, she said I needed to step away from the writing and instead go play video games until my brain rots, then come at it again.
Lucky me that the Steam Summer Sale is going on. 75% off pretty much everything. Playing things like Audiosurf is.... relaxing. A bit.
Until I stop, anyway. Like, I've been doing the distraction thing for a while. I DLed most of Community and built a magic school and village in Minecraft (does anyone else play Minecraft? I have a spare computer I could put up a server on). I find little things to hold my attention, and I feel fine while I'm doing them, but the moment I stop, it's like WHOOSH a flood of self-loathing hits me. Sucks.
So that's what's happening. Nothing interesting, mostly just emo bullshit. Sorry, folks.
So, I'm still in Florida. And despite putting in applications everywhere, am jobless. And should honestly be putting in for college.
But it's been... very difficult lately for me emotionally. I started doing this thing where I'd take a nap just so I would have to deal with how sad I was feeling. Crying every once in a while, and just feeling lonely and isolated and unwelcome. I don't really have a space to myself in the apartment, and my grandmother has certain habits that continuously make me feel like I'm part of the mess in her home. So. That's been a thing. I didn't really notice it until a friend pointed out "hey, brosis, you sound kinda depressed, maybe do something about that." Now I'm at least aware that I may be depressed.
I know precisely why I'm depressed though, so if I can work and get any of the seven or eight things wrong with my situation fixed, I'd probably feel a lot better, if only because I'll feel less impotent. I want to have a job so I can save money to GTFO of Florida, so I need to work on that. I want to find a non-shitty FL school to sign up for, so I need to figure out the logistics of that (which is even more complicated than you'd think-- I'm an out of state student, so my tuition is on average three times what it should be). I want to fucking write something, so I need to do that. Not writing in particular makes me want to scream. Like, okay, bravo, you have something you're not terrible at, but if you only have the one thing you can do, when you can no longer do it, it's fucking devastating. It's ridiculous, but whenever I sit with a GDoc open and don't put anything new into it, I always think well, then what are you good for.
Mum initially blew me off when I tried to tell her about all this, saying it's because I'm inside too much and the lack of sun is making me sad. Uh huh. Later, I tried again, and she's more sympathetic. Upon explaining the writing thing, she said I needed to step away from the writing and instead go play video games until my brain rots, then come at it again.
Lucky me that the Steam Summer Sale is going on. 75% off pretty much everything. Playing things like Audiosurf is.... relaxing. A bit.
Until I stop, anyway. Like, I've been doing the distraction thing for a while. I DLed most of Community and built a magic school and village in Minecraft (does anyone else play Minecraft? I have a spare computer I could put up a server on). I find little things to hold my attention, and I feel fine while I'm doing them, but the moment I stop, it's like WHOOSH a flood of self-loathing hits me. Sucks.
So that's what's happening. Nothing interesting, mostly just emo bullshit. Sorry, folks.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-16 07:07 pm (UTC)I hate the not-writing thing; daily wordcount is a convenient way to measure the worth that one's existence on this planet has. I do think your mother is right - one can become a better writer while not writing, because we're surrounded by words all the time and the writer part of the brain is constantly getting refuelled. Reading and studying beat videogames for me in that regard, but it sounds like you need to relax.
I'm signed up for something at http://coursera.org - it's free, and while there's no certification involved I am looking forward to learning new stuff there. I seem to remember seeing a lit course on SF on there, which sounds like it would be up your alley.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-17 02:45 pm (UTC)I get so frustrated that I've promised my readers a continuation of MoC and I've even written some of the next chapter! But the story itself is at such a stressful point (it's the Shit Hits The Fan chapter basically) and actually writing it is very hard right now. I had it in my head that with the move, I'd be in a calmer mindset, but the opposite is true. It sucks. /venting
I bought Civ4 on the Steam sale. Not quite as mindless as I meant to get, but should help. 83
omg thank you. Looking forward to tea. I can't find anything good around here without going to Teavana and they are expensive.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-17 04:36 pm (UTC)Oh wow, I hadn't noticed the certificates part at all. Yay then. I'm doing Introduction to Finance myself; it starts next week, and I'm weirdly nervous after being out of school for so long. Because of that, I didn't want to do more than one class at once and I wanted to focus on things that I knew would be useful careerwise. If it goes well I want to sign up for some community college classes; god knows I have the time and the money for it rn.
oh lol, I have the same problem with my main WIP though it's on a much smaller scale than your work (I'm stalled at 28k.) There's this epic dialogue I've been wanting to write for weeks now and it's just...not happening. I am so committed to finishing this trainwreck but I don't know where my momentum went. :(
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-18 07:56 pm (UTC)uhh i hope it gets there, they messed up and misread my writing at first and were going to send it to Nowhere, TN but I noticed it had the wrong state on my receipt and got them to fix it. I hope ;___;
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-27 07:39 pm (UTC)Did any of your coursera classes start yet? Any thoughts on them? /curious
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-27 07:53 pm (UTC)Let me know how the chai is! I've never tried Whittards chai. I knew you liked jasmine though :P
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-27 09:56 pm (UTC)THE CHAI IS ACTUALLY EXCELLENT. You need to understand-- since I got to FL and thus had to find new tea brands I like, and I've tried like.... three Celestial Seasonings, two Tazo, a Good Earth, and some Yogi. Only the Yogis have been okay. But this chai is nice. Excellent balance of spicy and actual tea flavor. Best I have that doesn't involve spending stupid cash at Teavana.
god I am such a tea snob /sob
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-28 05:01 am (UTC)Thanks for the field report! I think chai is generally more tea-like in the UK...I bought a US chai once that I honestly couldn't drink because it tasted like gingerbread, not tea. I'm pretty much fine with Tazo's, though.
I forgot to say - my Coursera Intro to Finance just started, and I am being made of fail and haven't got up to speed on it yet. First week lectures are so boring, always :/ But the lecturer is the most adorable person ever, so I am hoping I will stick with this.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-17 04:47 am (UTC)We totally care about you luc, writing or not.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-17 02:48 pm (UTC)Thank you.