(no subject)

[luciazephyr]

today something happened. something bad enough that I don't feel welcome or safe here anymore. I feel completely trapped. When I was done crying and needed to just be *away* for a while, all I could do was go outside and walk. When I got back, she grabbed my arm and pulled me back in, like bringing me back was some kind of magnanimous thing.

Everyone's acting like nothing happened. But I'm not okay. I don't think I'm going to be okay again.

Comments

[silentstep]

I wish I knew what to say that could help. Saying something like "I hope things get better" is... not something that is going to help, though of course I do hope that things do, somehow.

If you want to talk, I can listen.

[lynx]

It's not much, but I can listen, and I can send all my positive energy to you and have you in my thoughts.

If you went through something that horrible, maybe it's due time for you to get your own place, or moving with family or friends who will not frighten you.

*Hugs a lot *

[sarken]

I don't know what happened, but I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[thene]

god. Hit me up on aim or gchat if you ever want a verbal hug.

[luciazephyr]

Well. For the first time in my life I'm considering antidepressants. I'm apparently reacting wrong to people and driving them away. I was under the impression no one in my family liked me, but it's less that and more of a weird language/intent barrier.

What I do know is that I've lost my joy completely. I don't want to read or write or even play games. I've been playing Skyrim for the last few days and it's not like it's fun, it's just something to kill time with. I feel completely isolated, unwanted, and incapable of doing anything. It's like... I thought the worst it could get was when I couldn't get a job or write or contribute. But now I've also lost the drive to do anything, and it's a brand new low.

[thene]

;_; seriously, go for it, i know several of people who've found that antidepressants made a night-and-day difference (and others for whom they did nothing at all).

you are loved, even where you are not understood. believe it.

[firefly99]

This is a silly and trivial suggestion but maybe don't play a game like Skyrim, which IS a joyless 'just something to do' compulsion-fest? Play something shorter and smaller and more colourful and crazier, like a PS1 Spyro game or something. Right now, I'm emulating Silent Bomber, which is a manic, short, hard Metal Gear Solid pastiche arcade game which might fill the gap in your mind for MGS melodrama without the MGS emotional investment.

Also, for me, St John's Wort worked quicker and more effectively than antidepressants (they may be more expensive depending on what the situation is like in your country). My antidepressants worked but made me feel a bit... weird. SJW made me feel kind of clear and sharp.

Of course, everyone's brain is different, but if you can't get anywhere with conventional antidepressants there are other options.

[lilgoody2sh.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm not sure what to do. But I'm ready to listen and to give out virtual cookies, cakes and cocoa if needed.

[samjohnsson]

I would offer hugs if they're wanted; and fully support the idea of talking to a professional and seeing if medication is a good route.

[farwing]

*hugs*

[everbright]

If you have the insurance to get pillz, you might try hitting them up for therapy too? From an actual fax Mental Health professional, pills + therapy has a 95% positive resolution rate.

Oy. *hugs* Brain chemicals are mean bastards sometimes.

[firefly99]

I don't know what I can say, but you're in my thoughts. If either of us believed, I'd pray for you, but as it is, all I can do is send you good wishes.

valid responses are valid

[tonnocal.livejournal.com]

random fan of your fanfic, so feel free to disregard my two cents...my rather belated two cents at that...

Your response to whatever happened was valid and appropriate. You have a right feel and be safe in your relationships with family, partners, friends, roommates, etc. Taking a moment away from a stressful situation is a mature and reasonable response. There is always a third option in an either or situation. Am most disturbed by the fact that 'she' grabbed your arm. Personal space and consent are real issues in interpersonal interactions. If you have a friend or someone you trust, like a psychologist or social worker, you may feel like talking to them about your feelings of being trapped, dealt with magnanimously, disregarded and emotional turmoil.

Disregard the idiot who made the comment about skyrim being depressive and people recommending medication; the problem is not in your head or some incidental thing if you have such a strong response to it. Even months after a trauma, the emotional stresses and responses may remain so don't worry if you still feel strongly about whatever occurred.

Most of what I've said above comes from my own experience, so I guess the last thing to say is that when bad stuff happens, everyone reacts to it in their own way, but with a lot of common points. It's normal to feel powerlessness. It's normal to second guess yourself, particularly after a breach of trust. It's normal to be angry and lose your temper. It's normal to fell shame or fear and to be less assertive. It's normal to obsess over what happened. It's normal to not think about it at all. It's normal to have all or none of these experiences, in any combination. The key to recovery is to identify what happened, how you feel about it, to come to terms with those feelings, and to do so at your own pace. I found it helped, with feelings of powerlessness for example, to set myself tasks where I changed things about my life. For instance, I might cook something entirely different for dinner, go to a new bookstore, try a new fandom, create something from spare art supplies.

anywho, sorry for the long and nosy comment. I hope you are well in the future.